Exclusive Evil - Our Agents Said to Sign This

Public relations night terrors.

Bonus article? Why not. Let’s riff on fame. There were a few dozen open letters last month. Pro-bombing, anti-bombing, moderate-bombing. A handful by actors got me thinking, and then typing.

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From: releases@AphelionPR.com
To: List - Lowbies/Paparazzi

Dear Masses,

We, the undersigned, haven’t voted since Fallujah. Nonetheless, our agents say it’s time to rise up. Against the thing, and for the empire. Our agents are very loud, and even more determined. Given today’s hangovers, fighting for silence has never been more important.

The issue has haunted our inboxes all morning, and presumably longer. Where there was joy, there is fire. Where there was love, acrimony. Where there was peace, ten self-replies about one petition. It looks like a Google Doc? What happened to Change.org? We liked Change.org. Anyway, annihilate the bad people.

At first, the issue seems complex. It isn’t. If we don’t take a stand, our new deal is dead. And most of our agents’ links have video. You can’t spin video. There’s something about the Red Cross in the comments, but it’s 7 AM. We’re not reading that, and neither are you.

You may think we’re unwise to opine, publicly or privately. That we’re more qualified to discuss quantum uncertainty. That we’ll regret this after left-clicking. We agree. Tell our agents. Based on the pleas and lightly-obscured threats pouring in, we’re PhDs. Policy journals await our words with bated breath. Why else would we be up at dawn, checking our own e-signature for typos?

But can we afford complacency with so many unbombed? Plenty of hungry artists would love our spot. We wouldn’t be the first act the agency’s ghosted, or the biggest. Sometimes, being a public figure is about knowing stuff and being brave. Today, it’s about showing up. We’re here. Active. Present. Available for USO shows.

Maybe you can live with the status quo. Or get by on five, perhaps even four, hours of sleep. We can’t. Without nine steady hours of REM recovery, our joints fall off. Sinking months of planning for dozens of cast and crew. The news might be over our heads, but we know cameramen need food. Think of their camerakids.

Screw it. Give us a sec to wiki this.

Oh. Oh man. For decades? Heavy.

Come to think of it, this came up at a few signings. Real downer. Ending this would help the vibe at events. Let’s come together, and nail the stragglers. Unless we’re supposed to draw it out. Or just send a warning? That sounds right. We want a moderate amount of fire. Let them eat, drink, and live in cake.

Finally: we’re sorry. Based on the last petition, public opinion might flip next week. If so, we regret this lapse. We like civilians. Every day’s a learning process, where we strive to something the whatever. Next time we’ll do better, unless our agents say to do worse. We’re still available for USO shows.

XoXoXo, Stars and Stripes Forever, and Merry Christmas.

Jack “Triceps” Troy

Chef Joan

The Cast of Ready 2 Salsa?

Doctor Beats

Tony Hawk (Not the Skater)

Twerkaholic

The Stuntmen’s Association of Motion Pictures

Name Pending

Lucha Lord Jr.

The Nightwing Fancast

[Removed]

Writers House

I’m Not Signing This Dude

Uncle Clyde

Your Next Date

Drummers for Glassing Villages

StreamKingStreams

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And scene. As always, I hope you enjoyed it.

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Have a good week.

-DD