Exclusive Evil - The Advisor Advisor

Expertise on expertise.

Mar 08, 2024

As the empire implodes, it’s time satire challenged advice columnists. Enjoy this bonus article, for the price of free. I hope you smirk, or even laugh.

Enjoy it? Spread the wealth. Hate it? Waste someone else’s time.

Share Extra Evil

Losing readers? Missing deadlines? Simply stumped on a question? Let the Agony Aunt’s Aunt help you help others.

Love & Letters

Dear Agony Aunt’s Aunt,

My newsletter, Aunt Amy Answers, draws a steady stream of readers, inquirers, and even plagiarists. It’s everything I wanted, but something’s off. I still feel death inching closer, day by day. Would love fill the void? Many of my readers (I call them Amys) ask about love.

Sincerely,
A.A.A.

Dear Amy,

Yes. However, most civilians can’t relate to a guru—it’s more than a little intimidating. I suggest meeting another columnist. That guarantees the intellect, empathy, and subscriber base for love to grow.

I’ve thrived with Greene Thumb writer Barry Greene for seven fulfilling years. We cherish, support, and ghostwrite each other. Find your ghostwriter, and death’s shadow will become an afterthought.

Then you can reconsider your initials. An older, wiser columnist claimed those letters twenty years ago. We both know the guild is not to be trifled with.

Patiently Yours,
A.A.A.

Ludd Had a Point

Dear A.A.A.,

I’m drowning in AI-generated letters. How can I trust my readers? Or anyone? I feel paralyzed at the keyboard, and it’s straining my deadlines. Should I answer with AI? Is our future machines asking machines about machines?

Jim Rogue
The Rogue’s Guide to Masculinity

Dear Jim,

Put yourself in a young man’s shoes. You’ve written your favorite manfluencer for help coping with modern life. Would you want a canned answer, just because others took shortcuts? Or does your radicalization deserve a human touch?

As empires erode, advice columns offer stability. Comfort. Relief. Even your column’s “War on Soy,” recalls the golden days of Miss Lonelyhearts. Our personal anxieties are secondary. The work comes first.

Dutifully Yours,
A.A.A.

Chasing the Dream

Dear A.A.A.,

I’m drawn to the glamor of advising: living fast, dying young, and leaving a hot column. Much like the original Miss Manners, or the second Dan Savage. The Times just signed me to a weekly column, and I plan to join the greats.

That said, I lack any particular training, expertise, or interests. How do I work around that? I’ve already got the column, so school’s out. Or anything else that takes more than three days.

Best,
Denise
Dr. Denise Dictates

Dear Denise,

Reread your first paragraph. The confidence. The spirit. The rudimentary understanding of your topic. That’s all you need.

Admiringly Yours,
A.A.A.

Customer Satisfaction

Dear A.A.A.,

I’m a self-actualization specialist. Recently Ron, a watercolor hobbyist, asked what to paint his wife for their anniversary. I suggested he leave the family stifling his craft behind.

He seems to regret listening.

Ron’s reached out a few times. First, via the comments. Then my work email, which I don’t share often. Then my P.O. box, which I don’t share at all. While I live in a Stand Your Ground state, I’m troubled as a professional. Ron’s just a little hustle away from achieving his dreams, and I hate seeing him lose focus.

How do I convince Ron to trust the process?

Best,
Victor Harper
The Victory Corner

Dear Victor,

We may have answers, but not everyone hears. For now, simply let go. It’d be different if Ron wrote a proper follow-up letter. Then you could guide him back on the path to self-actualization, and off of the path to prison. As things stand, stay armed, stay vigilant, and stay smiling.

Yours,
A.A.A.

No Heart for It

Dear A.A.A.,

For five years, I’ve helped readers navigate sex, romance, and their occasional intersection. It’s always been rewarding, save the occasional reactionary letter bomb. And I’ve always thought of that as fan mail.

Then The Scranton Journal added reader comments. They are, gently, a bottomless well of stupidity and despair. Moreso than the letters. And they’re always arguing. Two users are eighty comments deep into debating the definition of “pedantic.” The column was about condoms, and they had the same opinion.

My editor loves about the traffic bump. Can I do anything to elevate web discourse? Or kill it altogether?

Yours,
Yvonne Heart
The Love Admiral

Dear Yvonne,

Don’t take it personally.

Sadly, it’s not just your column, or even unmoderated comments. America’s transitioning to Earth’s largest open-air asylum. Think of your comments as a chance to adjust. As the situation evolves, more readers will need your voice than ever.

Your editor’s on your side. As madness seeps into the remaining groundwater, your hosts deserve their share of the spoils. Consider flame war profiteering the price of doing business.

Resolutely Yours,
A.A.A.

Recursion

Dear A.A.A.,

Big fan. I’m considering starting a column for columnists that advise advice columnists. Would people be into that? And would you write in? Let me know.

Maria
To Be Determined

Dear Maria,

Find your own turf, scab. You’re easier to find than you think.

Menacingly Yours,
A.A.A.

Thanks for again for reading. I hope that the humor makes the horizon look a little brighter. My best line drives are in this book, Everything Abridged, which I think is a good time.