Exclusive Evil - There Are No Refunds in Paradise

Have you tried the karaoke bar?

Since I’m nice and searchable today (and out until Monday), here’s some bonus comedy. If you dig it, spread the love. If you don’t, spread the disease.

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Dear Paradise Member,

Thank you for your feedback! There’s nothing we can do. We don’t control what passengers bring in their hearts, or who they leave snoring in their rooms. Paradise Tours takes pride in a peerless cruise experience, and all of your friends loved it. Next time, try to keep up.

On every voyage, a few luckless souls fail to return to the ship. You’re much luckier! You merely emerged alone, sampled twelve minutes of culture, and returned alone. While your peers enjoyed an afternoon free from their heaviest burden: you.

They had an excellent time. Your review is one frowning emoji in a sea of smiles.

We created ample context for fun. Island destinations included the Wet Bar (an ocean-themed lounge), The Drunk Tank (a boozy wave pool), and Marley’s (hot tubs with Margarita funnels). All excellent values. If your friends wanted you there, you’d have been there. Set an alarm with some oomph next time.

Besides, our voyages aren’t about three hours on an impoverished island. They’re about the hotel floating between ports. Based on your purchases, you sampled our sea days in full. Highlights include five lunches at Guy Fieri’s BuffetMania, placing third in Trivia Boxing, and attending two performances by The Worldwides, our six full-time Pitbull impersonators. Grind Night was all any bachelor party could ask for, and you should be thanking us.

To be clear: you’re the problem. We checked with your party, and they agree. Leave yourself behind, and you’ll see improved results.

A refund implies we owe you. We brought a 200,000-ton ship. You brought six alcoholics from undergrad. We brought steel drums. You brought divorcee baggage. We brought bikini karaoke. You brought “Eraser,” a song ending in fifty seconds of Trent Reznor screaming “Kill me.”

Consider “Baby Got Back” next time. Crowds love it.

You did drink quite a bit. Both the night before landfall, and it the week afterwards. You were our most dedicated casino bar patron, without playing a single game. And with the generous Dionysus Package, it cost less than a night out in your borough. We didn’t even raise a stink about you handing drinks to others! That’s how much we love our Paradise family.

That eye roll at “family?” It’s half your problem. No one on a plaguetime pleasure cruise should be judging. Leaving alive puts you ahead of the curve. Especially if you didn’t pass early choking death on to a desperate retiree.

Or a more sociable disease. Our PartyPass cards keep detailed records, and yours entered a few other rooms. Most notably, a very married professional within your age bracket and projected personality type. Perhaps if you focused more on your friends, and less on wrecking homes, you’d have a more pleasant time. They may have had opinions. That said, we suspect your mindset is the real problem. For many guests, extramoral encounters are the entire purpose.

Perhaps your partner would agree. Next time, you can come together! Our Cupid Suites are 10% off until June.

We understand cultural exploration’s appeal, but we’re not in that business. You chose to get back on the ship. Abandoning a perfect opportunity for a new life in tropical nirvana. No atonal karaoke. No silent group dinners. Just peace. You could have learned everything about Spiral Island that we left out of the pamphlet, from their colorful nicknames for cruise passengers, to our alleged kompromat on the governor. You lacked the courage.

There are no refunds for ennui. Your connections came in broken. We just supplied a wave pool for you to learn in. The pool works, even if life doesn’t. If that’s not good enough, go bother Bacchanalia Voyages. They specialize in singles’ cruises and their aftermath.

Twenty Paradise Points have been added to your account.

Sincerely,

Your Paradise Tours Family

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As always, thanks for reading. Stick around: there’s punchlines in every format you can think of.