Exclusive Evil – We Can’t Help You

Please stop sending fluid.

Jun 08, 2023

Consider this a double teaser. On Sunday, I go for broke in a collab with

and

. I roll the dice here as well. This is also the first of the two promised riffs on my family. The second hits Tuesday, just in time for Father’s Day.

Content warning for gallows humor. If it speaks to you, share it. If it doesn’t, ask a friend to translate.

From: DrTepes@TepesCenter.org
To: BlindMonkey@gmail.com

Thank you for reaching out. At the Tepes Center, we offer elite screening at semi-fair costs. From cancer to hypertension, technology replaces fear with clarity. Enabling early detection, thoughtful prevention, and brighter lives.

We can’t help you.

Honestly, I understand the attempt. Your father was a severe, perhaps landmark case. Measuring your risk would be worthwhile. It’s also beyond modern medicine’s grasp. The Tepes Center makes objective observations of quantifiable conditions. Despite recent progress, this topic remains the purview of law enforcement and social science.

In short, we don’t offer genetic testing for domestic violence. Physical, emotional, or the hybrid you described. While famously prevalent within family lines, we lack specific proven markers. The gap between folk wisdom—sustained behavior across generations—and the lab hasn’t been bridged. My apologies.

Don’t send more blood. You’ve sent enough blood.

Unlike the blood, I applaud your effort to provide ample background information. At length. I’m also sorry to hear about Disneyland, and may never see Fantasmic! the same way again. My assistant, who recieved your original inquiry/blood, agrees. If you get a sentimental email, don’t think less of his professionalism. He’s something of a “Disney Adult,” and you described his hell.

It’s equally unfortunate that your brothers are, as you put it, “two for four” in this area. That’s still short of a supermajority of offenders, which should offer some comfort. I wouldn’t end an engagement over it. Unless, of course, another sibling’s been arrested since you sent the blood. Then you might be cursed. Did you draw all this yourself? I hope you used sterile equipment.

Don’t look for a second opinion.

Normally, I’d refer you to a suitable competitor. In this case, none exist. Avoid giving time, money, or blood to anyone offering a solution. Your request isn’t impossible, per se: as research marches on, we’ll learn more and more about the interwoven factors that lead to…Disneyland. At that point, you’ll see inspiring headlines.

Going forward, I may pursue that milestone myself. Predicting abusers could earn the Center an award, or even a Wikipedia page. With, admittedly, risk of a niche Minority Report scenario. I recall you’re involved in science fiction; I’d let this premise go. As a layman, I doubt readers are hungry for a biopunk SVU. In fact, I doubt their capacity for it beyond four hundred words. Maybe five for the edgier online crowd.

Again, I respect your inquiry’s intensity, and the respectable sum you offered. I don’t know where a pulp writer finds that kind of money, but that’s not important. What matters is maintaining perspective, working with the tools available, and not sending anyone else blood. You may find them less open-minded.

For what it’s worth, I tested what I could. No more burgers, your heart’s a landmine waiting for a foot. And keep an eye out for moles. Skin cancer is, despite stereotypes, a universal phenomenon. And you might diversify its image.

Best,
Dr. V. Tepes
Director, Tepes Center