Extra Evil - Mission Accomplice

Today’s Fortune: Find a new hobby. Your old one's banned.

Apr 19, 2023

Newsreel

Fox News paid Dominion a dollar per dogwhistle.

We’ll have Evan Gershkovich back by 2099.

The Times still reports hate crimes as awkwardly as possible.

Competitive runners upgraded from doping to cars. No, really.

Netflix was still mailing out DVDs.

It’s too late to get on that rocket the EU sent to Jupiter.

Everything Else, Round 2

Fantastic entries for for Round One. I mean it, I have an acid tongue and no social grace. I was impressed.

The contest marches on. Write the funniest definition of “clusterfuck,” and win a copy of Everything Abridged’s fancy new paperback. As for Round One, here’s my favorite definition of “contest:”

Isn’t love grand?

They get a book, as promised. Along with a signed prank. Remember: define “clusterfuck” in the comments for your moment in the sun.

Today's Mood

War Journal

I’ve got an origin story. No nonsense with my family or psychological profile, that’s table setting. And not the story about Catch-22 I tell undergraduates when they ask why I chose penury. Not even the time a radioactive hyena bit me. A simple event taught me everything.

You were there, or at least as close as I was. It was hard to miss, unless you were being bombed. My perspectives on satire, human civilization, and maniacal laughter take inspiration from everyone’s 43rd favorite president, George W. Bush. Specifically, the “Mission Accomplished” aircraft carrier event.

How could I become anything else? I watched a semi-elected war criminal declare victory before a swaying “I win” sign. There were people in firefights during his victory lap. He taught me everything Carlin couldn’t.

I never took anything seriously again.

My pitch for the loneliness epidemic? Change the name. Unlike the plague, avoiding people is the problem instead of the solution.

Let’s call it a famine. Cannibals have lessons for us on both. They either enjoy a lonesome and delicious road, or work with like-minded peers. And they have an amazing cookbook.

I’ve got a sibling so far down the Hotep hole he’s hit Wakanda. There was once some entertainment there, since he doesn’t vote. Now he’s fixated on trans warlocks stealing his eyes and girth. The torrent of blonde models he used to spam me with has been replaced with genocidal TikTok pundits. Less amusing.

This might not be a fun decade.