Exclusive Evil: Double Tap
When the moon is full, I appear elsewhere. I pitched these two shorts with ambulance-chasing speed. No dice. The jokes expire in ten minutes, so I'm sending them now, together. I'll push the Q&A to Monday to reduce my inbox footprint.
Sidebar: I'm still taking questions for said Q&A until then. Comment/email/etc.
Side-Sidebar: I considered updates, but these have a "how sausage is made" appeal this way.
ABC apologizes to viewers, sponsors, and Pale Jesus for allowing heresy on-air. We’ve updated our programming and values to make amends.
12:00 AM — Local Patriots
Education matters. That’s why Carol prints Constitutions without the fluff.
1:00 AM — D.C.’s Funniest Home Videos
Grateful citizens miss free throws, bond with the National Guard, and trip into pools.
2:00 AM — Winning News Now
Top stories from around the world. All fifty states of it.
3:00 AM — Winning News Then
A highlight reel of American military victories.
3:30 AM — Winning News Next
A slideshow of U.S. Marines marching through Chengdu, greeted as liberators.
4:00 AM — Perfect Morning America, First Look
Live footage of flags at sunrise.
5:00 AM — Perfect Morning America, MoneyHope
Dump biased job reports and account balances, and learn to feel wealth.
6:00 AM — Perfect Morning America, Sports Package
Baseball. You love baseball. Focus on baseball.
7:00 AM — Perfect Morning America, The Actual Show
Start your politics-free day with guests Erika Kirk, Ezra Klein, and a special hologram.
9:00 AM — Prayer Break
Bless your productivity with ABC’s official pastor.
9:05 — L.A.’s Funniest Home Videos
Free Americans dance poorly, learn to respect the National Guard, and fall into pools.
10:00 AM — Local Patriots
Get fit with your neighborhood Active Club!
11:00 AM — The All-New View
The feisty panel you love, minus one. You know who.
12:00 PM — Local Patriots
Instead of violating Epstein’s privacy, Bette practiced the anthem. Watch her perform one perfect song eighteen times.
1 PM — Perfect Morning America, The Third Hour
Peter Thiel on a leaner Bill of Rights. Chris Pratt on fun games for your newer, purer family. Ben Shapiro cackling.
2:00 PM — General Hospital
Lulu enjoys a quiet, Medicaid patient-free afternoon. Jason questions the jab. When Elizabeth catches socialism, Drew makes an easy choice.
3:00 PM — Local Patriots
Countless white hoods went to waste each year, until these activists made a change.
4:00 PM — Local Patriots
Select readings from 1930s memoirs.
5:00 PM — Local Patriots
Dan collects hammers and pictures of journalists. Isn’t that something?
5:30 PM — New York’s Funniest Home Videos
Slot reserved pending announcement.
6 PM — Codename: The Inseminator
Agent Vance takes on his hottest mission yet.
6:30 PM — Winning News Tonight, With TBA
David liked an Epstein joke, so we’re finding a new host. Let us know if you know someone. Not Chris Cuomo.
7:00 PM — Prayer Break
Bless your primetime meal.
7:05 PM — John Brown Exposed
John Brown’s armed uprising sounds fun, but did you know he stole property?
8:00 PM — Winning News Tonight, with Chris Cuomo
We tried.
9:00 PM — 20/20 Presents: Chain Migration Ghost Stories
A special on the spookiest imported specters.
10:00 PM — High Potential
Morgan has 24 hours to find a trans sprinter on the run.
11:00 PM — Local Patriots
Brookvale Public Library’s had empty shelves for years. And to librarian Ron Shapiro, that’s A-okay.
11:30 PM — Jimmy Kimmel’s Chair
Miss traitorous yuckmeister Jimmy Kimmel? Fret not: his iconic chair’s there to keep you laughing, and show what you can lose.
ABC thanks viewers, Charlie’s angel, and The Emperor for their patience. Amen.
0:00 — Deadlifts are important. Nothing matters more than deadlifts.
0:15 — God, pings from the apartment. I did the dishes, what do they want?
0:30 – Shouldn’t I be decent at these by now? It’s like I’m trying to lift the mood. It’s tense in here today.
0:45 – God, pings from work. I skip faculty meetings, what do they want?
1:00 – Everyone here looks like Santa died. Are fees rising? I’m not paying more for a dirty barbell. Deadlifts aren’t that important.
1:15 - God, pings from her. We've flaked twice this week, what does she want?
1:30 – These plates are lying. I’m better than this. We’re better than this, as a country. Pull.
1:45 — Hey, pings from my sister! I care about that. She’s got the best jokes in the family.
2:00 — Charlie Kirk’s dead? The nazi or our old neighbor?
2:15 — Yeah, the nazi.
2:16 – Oh boy.
2:30 — Work again?
2:45 — Nice, our New York office is safe from that Utah shooting. Good to know.
3:00 — My head hurts. From lifting.
3:15 — My back hurts. From news.
3:30 — The dancing crab gif! I love the crabs. I hope they’re still funny after the war.
3:15 — A lone shooter. Maybe he'd want it this way.
3:30 — There’s a video? Probably wrong to watch.
3:33 — Probably wrong to watch in public.
3:36 — Was Google Fi always this slow? Tomatoes buffer faster.
4:15 — Oh.
4:30 — Man, people have a lot of blood.
4:45 — Shouldn’t I be desensitized? All those Terrifier flicks, for nothing.
5:00 — I hope there’s a new Terrifier soon.
5:15 — They’ll burn Chicago over this Utah shooting.
5:30 – Fuck Goebbels, fuck you if you liked him, and I hope his boss is next.
5:45 — Buh? What kind of poser nonsense was that? I haven’t fought since middle school.
6:00 — This won’t improve.
6:01 — I could leave.
6:02 — I need to leave.
6:03 — I should be elsewhere.
6:04 — Why am I still here?
6:15 — I bet there’s chocolate in this gym. Chocolate’s why half of us are here. Chocolate’s the last good thing in America.
6:30 — Protein chocolate. It wouldn’t even count as comfort binging.
6:45 — Celebration binging? National mourning binging? Binging for its own sake?
7:00 — I’ll take six.
8:00 — That…wasn’t dignified.
8:15 — Everything tastes like sweetened gunpowder.
8:30 — What do I do with the wrappers?
8:45 — What do I do with the rest of my life?
9:00 — At least no innocents were hurt. Yet.
9:01 — And I outlived Goebbels. Solid.
9:15 — I wonder if we’ll remember this next week.
9:30 — I should finish this set.
9:45 — Of course Charlie went out making life worse.
10:00 — Deadlifts are important. Nothing matters more than deadlifts.
Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed one of these. Or even both! The latter's fiction: I was really at Central Park with a friend (we have an article out today). And much more zen. But the page distorts the picture so that you can see the picture.
