Exclusive Evil - Why Do We Still Live in a First Strike Target?

You need a bonus article. I see it in your eyes. If you enjoy it, spread the wealth. If you hate it, spread the poison. Thanks, as always, for the support.

Good morning! I fried some eggs. Do you like them fried? I couldn’t sleep, so my memory’s fuzzy.

I’m fine, why? I just want to share breakfast. That’s what couples do, even in densely populated economic centers. The little things still count, no matter how big the target.

Take the eggs.

We have to talk. Not like that, we’re fine. You snore like a werewolf, but you’re trying the mask. That shows effort. I’m all for staying together–the question is where.

Here? Good start, but let’s keep noodling.

Look at the eggs. I could’ve done a better job, couldn’t I? They’re singed to a crisp. All moisture and hope, gone. Seared by forces beyond their control, for goals they never grasped. I can’t think of a worse way to go. Can you?

Drowning? Okay, sure. That sucks too. Let’s move inland.

Or to an island, where we can focus on prevention. We’ll practice swimming every day, without fretting over what gets bombed first or why. No one’s starting with Bermuda. Wasn’t living there your dream? If not, it’s mine now. Why nuke my dream?

Okay, your honor. You caught me. Bermuda’s not my lifelong dream. It’s not melting. Never sitting in a manmade sun. Avoiding atomic cremation. Downtown’s not the right fit.

Nice thought, but uptown’s in the blast zone.

You know, I grew up in the suburbs. I appreciate them more in hindsight. What they lacked in variety, they made up for in tactical irrelevance. It’d be like wasting a nuke on the moon. Why not move there, before someone finds the briefcase?

What? This isn’t about kids, unless that sells it. Then let’s have kids. Two latchkey kids, sharing an intact colonial home. We can swing that. Or more. Let’s raise four breathing, sheltered children, near an air raid shelter. Or none! We can have the exact number of children you want in the bunker.

Thank god, I was totally lying. Two’s plenty for a bunker.

Yeah, the copy-pasted houses aren’t much to look at. And Hayvale’s close enough to the fallout that instead of dodging death, we’d be procrastinating. Let’s go to the country. Beautiful sights, cheap food, a third thing. That’s our move.

True, it’s a beautiful city. Look at all those skyscrapers! Half of them break through cloud cover, by design. A bomber would have to try to miss. Though I’ll admit, fixating on planes is paranoid. Especially with all the suitcase nukes around. Give one guy who doesn’t even know what he’s carrying a paid vacation, and BAM: crater.

My job’s important to me too. But corpses don’t have careers. They don’t even have gigs. Nothing’s worse for your prospects than a death certificate. Think of it this way: your resume will be hot after all of your coworkers get hot. Feel me?

Unpatriotic? What sane adult’s still a patriot? Or ever was? I’d rather be a Scientologist. At least they've read a book. And it’s a little late to start waving the flag. We’ve spent two months trading Lee Harvey Oswald memes. Patriotism’s another country.

Sorry. I’ll leave the memes out of this. Fight the problem, right?

If we move, you can ditch the mask. I’ll listen to you snore all night, instead of waiting for evacuation orders. I’ll watch any movie you pick, as long as the theater doesn’t get glassed. I’ll watch your band play, if the pyrotechnics stay literal. Whatever gets us off the war room map.

And if none of that’s enough, I’m still leaving. I’d live with you anywhere, but dying’s off the table. I prefer history from the spectator seat. Even if I’m wrong, fear diminishes life. Especially when it makes sense. Let’s make an effort.

You will? Really? Oh, that town. Near your brother. The one that loves cologne and hates deodorant. That’s…great. He’d be a great bunker-mate. Thank you for compromising.

Honestly, I was just paranoid. Let’s stick around for now.

I wrote this a ways back. A bit longer ago then one might suspect. I think it's still fun, and hope you enjoyed it. Also, I wrote a book.