Exclusive Evil - You Didn’t Reply to My Babylon Bee Link
Keeping in touch.
Bonus article! Laugh well. For context: The Babylon Bee is The Onion for Hitler-friendly Baptists.
Also, Dayle's Charge (my wise tour to discuss the Civil War) is still on, and half-off memberships (forever) are still on the table.
Hey little bro, what’s up? Missed you on New Year’s, but I know getting downtown's hard. Paid protesters make traffic hell. Your Christmas gift's still here, whenever you're free. With the cookies. Don't worry, sugar lasts forever. Unlike Thanksgiving plates.
Now, I know you're not very online, aside from all those photos and poems you post ironically (great bit!). But check your messages now and then. I'm sharing gold. The Bee's never been funnier. “ACLU Still Crying” must be divinely inspired. Along with “Migrant Diversifies Blacksite.”
I emailed a few too. Just the hits, like "ICE Saves Traffic from Karen." I could barely breathe long enough to hit send. What’s your favorite? I dig "Palestinian Doctor Reloads," but my son prefers "Antifa Tells Pavement Pronouns." Kid loves slapstick.
You get the concept, right? They’re the first joke newspaper. Fake fake news? Faker news? Fake news2? Satire lets them pitch heat like “Black Excellence Takes Handout” or "Monkey Reads." Good ish, right? And they’ve leveled up this year—even the 2024 Bee wouldn't post "Imam Makes Goodwill Tip To Hell.”
Sorry for flooding your work email. I forgot that merit-based managers know the Bee logo from across the room. Did you catch the others in your personal address? The Gmail, not Electron or whatever. Be careful with them—they're not local, and might be snooping. Elites don’t want you reading “Socialists Share Grave.”
Check your spam settings, I sent "Hell Has Two Genders" twice. And "Crime Stats Slip Hiring Manager's Mind" three times. Are your replies still in drafts? Happens to me all the time. Get on it, so we can share some laughs. Like when we used to record Comedy Central overnight, and watch while dad was at work. Remember that? I bet Dave would crush at the Bee. He could be the Babylon Black.
Honestly, no one else gets the good stuff. My kids just read the headlines, my friends don't read anything, and my wife gets weirdly quiet for a few hours. Sometimes days. It's nice having you to appreciate "Blue-Hair Aborts Messiah."
Alright, I have a little agenda: I want to submit and could use a test reader. I respect your sense of humor—your locker room jokes always killed. I bet Vic the Virg and Dead Mom Ted still remember their nicknames. If you told me which lines have that Babylon Bee spark, it'd make a big difference.
I've got "Amateur Victim Goes Pro," "Fatherhood is Our Word," "DEI Wokes Sharialy," and "Gay Mafia Assassinates Comedy." Solid, right? There's also "Fake Woman Says Believe Women" and "No Means You're Short." My aces. Should I pitch them first, or save them for when I'm on staff?
In fact, why not team up? Comedy writing's such a blast, I barely use CoPilot anymore. We could write down our guy talk and run it as is. Just like the locker room, riffing on Virgin Vic, Poor Jeff, or Black Jeremy. Remember that Twain joke you had for him? Man, you were good.
Just an idea. I miss my little bro, you know? It feels like I’m losing you to history. The Golden Age is fun, but don't forget your family while you thrive. Instead, think big. Anything’s possible together. We could even start the second fake newspaper.
Thanks, as always, for reading. I hope you got endorphins from it.
I also have a perfect book called How to Dodge a Cannonball. Read it to save your mind. There's also a special/suicidal tour:
