Extra Evil - 3 AM Visa Research

Today's Fortune: Diner refills are your friend.

Extra Evil - 3 AM Visa Research

Newsreel

America redefined “human.”

Krugman didn’t dig last year’s columns either.

Oscar flamewars came earlier and louder than usual.

Our trash compactors fell behind China’s.

We left the Paris Accords while LA smoldered.

Earth’s mini-moon may be the moon’s side project.

A Photo

By the Barclays Center. Perhaps only 95% of mannequins are cursed.

War Journal

Thank the Yakuza: Zero devs for keeping me out of a cell. Now I’m headed to Malaysia for two weeks. I’m told I have to come back, but hope’s eternal.

Some of you prefer writing jabber to me punching walls, so let’s sneak that in. You know I’m not fond of hearing “you can’t write comedy right now.” As if there aren’t comedies about most wars by the front line. Again: The Nazi and the Barber is a five-star half slapstick, half gross-out satire about the Holocaust by a Holocaust survivor. Nut up.

But I know I’m, by default, too glib. See: “Nut up.” So let’s defy my programming and try Be Constructive. Here’s my exclusive tip on crisis comedy.

In my correct opinion, most failures lack clarity of purpose. Not in life, ennui’s great comic fodder. The purpose of a particular joke/cartoon/doomed late night monologue. Do you want commentary, provocation, or distraction? For a resonant point, you might dig deeper than Elon’s divorce. For catharsis, you might say he got cucked by a pitchy Boxxy cosplayer. To distract people from the flames, you might skip him altogether.

Hordes of other end goals exist, just keep your target in mind. And whether you succeed or fail, remember he got cucked by a pitchy Boxxy cosplayer.

Anyway, that’s why catty egg tweets make senators look inbred. Wrong flavor. The goal was saying something useful.

Remember that pinched nerve in my spine? That was more fun than switching apartments.

I expected plenty of Good Germans. History books would be colorful pamphlets otherwise. Yet I thought I’d know less of them by name and shot tolerance. As for the natural question: never trust a lightweight.

The Present

The Past

This just came out, but I’m fond of it.

The Future

Another 1900HOTDOG column, another New Yorker thing, another nerd podcast, another ad parody audio project. Wait, that one’s new.

Not Brought to You By

Physical Culture is eating my brain. I meant to tour a few different decades of fitness nonsense, and still hope to. Someday. For now, more meathead cave paintings. How can we power clean mountains, Physical Culture?

Headline: Thoughts…That Move Mountains. Subhead: …Is Mind Power Real? Body Copy: Have you read volumes on the power of thought? Perhaps you have listened to lengthy theoretical addresses on theoretical addresses on the forces of mind. You may have wondered if these same writers and lecturers on mind power know how to use it.

Our minds! Of course!

The proudly literal image makes me grin. I wonder if they wanted to fit in between articles on magic stretching and early attempts at steroids.

“Is mind power real?” brings back memories. Let’s pretend I’ve never signed an NDA. Pharma ads love free-floating questions, because of dated “laws” about “lying.” So you go passive-aggressive, like a hip broker. This book’s free from that concern, but some writers like open questions.

Some writers also like the flavor of paint. Open questions expose you to open answers. Like “Of course fucking not” and “Do I look like an idiot?”

Creativity: C | Persuasion: D- | Sanity: F

One Sentence Reviews

The Shit Ov God: I don’t come to Behemoth for subtlety. (4/5)

Physical Culture: My scam-filled muse. (5/5)

Packing: Help. (Help/Help)

Easy Question

Harder Question

Signing off

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