Extra Evil - The Titanic's Boat Hack

Today's Fortune: Your reinvention might be worse.

Extra Evil - The Titanic's Boat Hack

Newsreel

America’s tumor has the dumbest name possible.

The “Star-Spangled Banner” has X-Pac heat at hockey games.

Schumer promised iron, resolute egg jokes.

ICE flirted with a skull logo.

Our long national nightmare of literacy is over.

Hawley pitched a ban on beating America at stuff.

A Photo

Very important swiping.

War Journal

I’m still sane. And not just because I’ve escaped to Malaysia for a month.

Before jumping out, I met a few of the funniest people I know in person. I generally train in a lightless dungeon, so meeting others on the path is rare. Along with other people. I’m on that “roommates and Hinge” social calendar.

Anyway, it was refreshing. I could absorb a few jokes about the firestorm instead of producing them. That’s probably social loafing at the comedy table, but I’m not a perfect guest.

Maybe Pagliacci is off the table. But Bobo and Dan Rice still help.

I also recommend escaping for a month. You know, while we’re allowed to leave.

Okay, there’s one thing I won’t miss.

I flew around a bit during Operation: Iraqi Freedom. Making this week’s recurring topic…familiar. I recommend it to anyone that enjoys slamming steel doors on their genitals. It’s your year.

Still, I can’t blame the locale. I’d have to deal with the same headlines at home. And I’d still want to find a steel door. Also known as the “wrestler’s vasectomy.” I think the real message here is that I’m far too unmedicated. It’s high time I replaced my static-filled brain with water-soluble peace.

If there’s one indignity I hoped my love of saturated fat and untrained stunts would spare me, it’s the phase where an empire thrashes at its own impotence. At its best, America provided the cartoon version of every idea. So I’m less shocked at our version of injecting Test into each cheek and saying we can still go, and more depressed that I have to live through each needle.

Since twenty of you know me in real life: I’m fine. And all the doors around me are wooden.

I’m two for two on international flight cancellations. Once again, it was more fun this way. I got to bumble around Signapore, which has one of the more ornate tourist districts I’ve experienced. And street signs gently informing me what would happen if I fucked around on my skateboard. There’s no love for a good front shuv.

An email I’m tired of:

My fellow friends in united allydom,

In these unprecedented times except for the last time, we have to walk hand in hand. Or rather, brand in brand. I hope that you’re taking care of each other, though half of you voted for the other to burn. Twice. We’re all in this together, except for those of you with good passports. Are you single? See our pics below.

Please ignore the red state version of this message, which includes a bald eagle licking an AR15 like its Valentine’s Day. We’re on your side, and your side alone.

One Love.

-Your Favorite Sneakers

My stock coffee order is a black Americano. It gets bigger laughs than any joke I ever plan or attempt. Go figure.

The Present

The Past

This just came out, but I’m fond of it.

The Future

I’m guessing he hangs, or we hang. Oh, writing! Very fun column in the works, and another Yorker volley. There’s so much silly media out there! I’m a stinker.

But really, I’ve been thinking about my balance/outlets of effort. Going to change some things around this spring, just need to get organized. That’s me. Dennard Organized Dayle.

Not Brought to You By

Behold: the id of fitness.

Not quite enough body copy. I’d have gone a bit heavier. It does help that every line is insane:

The pace really sets it apart. Panic, egotism, and mortality can carry full insane ads on their own. Earle’s on to the next vanity the second he hits space. Hyperbole will never be stronger, anywhere.

Sadly, for all his coked-out intensity, Earle’s not hitting much new here. Same tile as the competition, with less charm.

Creativity: D | Persuasion: F | Sanity: F-

One Sentence Reviews

Signapore Airways: Good at everything but flying from Point A to Point B. (2/5)

Air Asia: Only good at flying from Point A to Point B. (2/5)

Sorry to Bother You: I live in envy. (4.5/5)

Diana: the Musical: A once-in-a-lifetime failure. (0/5)

Easy Question

Harder Question

Signing off

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