It’s a holiday somewhere, so you get extra comedy. Happy Something Day! Celebrate with your clone.
Like the idea? Forward a friend a copy. Not feeling it? Link the original.
You’ve won a clone! They’re already en route. If you live near a replication center, they may arrive before this notice. How’s the little tyke doing?
First, the obvious concern: they’re adorable. Look at those tiny hands! They’ve got your nose. Presumably. Sometimes the process adds small quirks. But most winning citizens get their mirror image. If anything’s off, they’re even more special.
Then, the second matter: you’re lucky. Amazingly so. While others helplessly watch the workforce, security net, and army wither, you’ve taken direct action. Your clone succeeds where a thousand op-eds and religions failed: stopping the clock. We couldn’t thank you more. Youth builds happier, stronger empires.
Finally, a small detail: who raises them?
Up to you. You could mail them back, and hope they win the foster lottery. Plenty of people can live with that. How about you? Can you watch your clone struggle without the privileges you enjoyed? Or maybe you had it rough. Do you pass that on? Every deprivation, replayed in high definition? It’s a fascinating question, and a free country. You do you.
Take a minute.
Statistically, if you’re still reading, you’ll keep the clone. Congratulations again! We knew there’d be shirkers, but returns have outrun our expectations a bit. Don’t fret, that’s our problem. The Junior Citizen Corps. should do wonders for infrastructure and medical testing. Just focus on raising a happy, healthy double. Let’s get to know your new best friend: you.
First, check them for deformities. Just a quick once-over.
They’ll need a name, of course. A prepaid envelope’s tied to their ankle. When you have a minute, send us their new name. Preferably within the first two years–otherwise, they’ll have a serial number instead of something nice, like Jane. No one wants a driver’s license that says XQR-14. If creativity isn’t your strong suit, feel free to check off “Junior” and move on.
Then it’s time for another deformity check! We do our part at the Center, but automated scans are just that: automated. Look with the loving but critical eye of a parent. And not just cloning glitches: remember your medical history. If you’ve got right hip turnout, they’ve got right hip turnout. Or, worse yet, a glitch messing with their hips. Tend to the details.
Next, I’d grab them some new clothes and a soft meal. Unfortunately, those aren’t free. They cost much, much more than you might expect. As for finding that money: you’ve got this. Nothing inspires hustle like a surprise dependent. Remember: you’re not just working for you. You’re also working for you. You’ll be impressed by how much time and money cutting back on your social calls and dreams saves.
With money handled, we recommend fixing your family relationships. We’ve run the numbers: every living parent and sibling in your village helps. Meeting might be awkward or traumatizing, but you have a clone to think of. Hold the clone while you talk, it works wonders.
Speaking of relationships: the database says you’re single. Could you reconsider? A village is nice, but you also need your own hut. A quality partner can keep you from burning yourself out or neglecting yourself. Try grabbing one nearby. Perhaps another winner, with their own clone? You already have a lot in common.
As for doing all that at once? Research is ongoing. We’ll let you know when we’ve found a solution. Until it’s done, stay calm. Don’t fret about war or tuition or flooding or food or fascism or the inevitability of one of you dying first. That’s how we got here in the first place.
Have fun with it! You have your own private nature vs. nurture experiment. If you think you’d have done better as an artist or an athlete, this is your New Game Plus. That’s questionable with a traditional child, but this is you. You know you can do it, if you try. You’ll thank yourself later.
Let us know if you want another.
Sincerely,
Dolan Roslin Jr.
Director, National Replication Center
Proud Father and Son of Himself
Thanks for the attention. I’ve got this book coming next year. If you preorder it, I get to have a career.
-DD
I always wanted a twin brother who was separated at birth and sent to live with a nice family. To see what I could have been.
I guess this'll have to do.
Well, that was fun! Have you ever read Cyteen and sequel Regenesis by CJ Cherryh?