Exclusive Evil - Dunk the Negro Returns

Stay hydrated.

Since everything’s serious and expensive, here’s something funny and free. A spin on a bit of dumb history. If it entertains, share it. If it doesn’t, weaponize it.

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“Dunk the Negro” tanks once defined American carnivals, state fairs, and country award shows. They also didn’t say “negro.” Student-artist Randall “Big Mouth” Pierce is bringing it back. This transcript captures his morning shift at the 2024 Texas State Fair.

9:00 AM: “Who wants to go first? I was around last year, but you can still say you discovered this.”

9:10 AM: “Finally! Every other midway game’s a rip-off, and every other player’s a sucker. But this is different. You’re special, just like the rally said.”

9:11 AM: “That was a throw? Do they censor gym class here too?”

9:18 AM: “Ignore them, I get it. You’re not like the others. It’s a bit. You’re playing Dunk the Negro ironically. You can’t say anything anymore.”

9:19 AM: “Oh. Okay, forget irony. Try a racist throw.”

9:20 AM: “Remember trying that black open mic? And bombing? Channel that.”

9:25 AM: “This gig’s great. Angry Texans don’t usually pull out baseballs.”

9:32 AM: “Hey there, little guy. Is this your first game? Just remember: win or lose, you’re the victim.”

9:32 AM: “That’s a zero. Don’t worry, legacies don’t need athletics. Or anything else.”

9:41 AM: “You brought a black friend! That makes this fine. Ask him if he wants a turn up here.”

9:42 AM: “No really, it’s a free pass. Like Ante Up at karaoke.”

9:44 AM: “Or he can play. Self-destruction is a community classic.”

9:46 AM: “I’m with you, this game’s horrific. Getting dunked in 2024 would scar my dignity. Thank God you’re throwing.”

10:03 AM: “Hello, officer. I assume. You look very excited to play.”

10:04 AM: “Nice try, and thanks for your service. Enjoy paid leave.”

10:17 AM: “That is an aggressive tattoo. Do you want four rounds, or five?”

10:17 AM: “I’ll read about that pitch on Reddit later, won’t I?”

10:17 AM: “Another miss? Try rushing Congress again. You got closer to a win.”

10:18 AM: “You’re letting the master race down.”

10:18 AM: “Can ye not aim, oh son of Skyrim?”

10:18 AM: “Come on, one more. Your Eva Braun could be watching.”

10:25 AM: “I’m getting my phone. It’s not waterproof, I just know you all suck.”

10:34 AM: “Keep staring. It’s very normal.”

10:35 AM: “You look uncomfortable. Should I turn around, so you can throw behind my back? You know, just you and the boys?”

10:35 AM: “Fine. You’re much more enlightened than everyone engaging the black artist.”

10:36 AM: “Pretty easily baited, eh? I thought our allies were smarter.”

10:36 AM: “Don’t worry, dunk tanks are the nice version of this. ‘Hit the Hard-R’ let players go for the face. Rough job.”

10:37 AM: “But if you were throwing, I’d still sign up.”

10:40 AM: “This is Flint water, by the way.”

10:49 AM: “A black player! What’s Judge Thomas like in real life?”

10:50 AM: “Does he dress like Uncle Ruckus too? Or is that just your thing?”

10:50 AM: “Your white girlfriend would be embarrassed.”

10:51 AM: “So much for fast-twitch muscle.”

11:06 AM: “Now this is a crowd. Who wants to avenge James Jeffries first?”

11:08 AM: “I forgive Morgan Wallen. For the slur, not the music.”

11:13 AM: “Come on. Baseball’s the only sport you have left. Well, had. 700 million says you miss the next pitch.”

11:14 AM: “Right, I forgot hockey. Just like everyone else.”

11:20 AM: “I planned to leave for lunch, but I think I’ll eat up here.”

11:33 AM: “Christ. Seven dollars for a corn dog, while we fight each other.”

11:40 AM: “Fun fact: black teens spend twice as much time online. We’re all watching you flub pitches. I keep thinking it’ll get old, and it never does.”

11:42 AM: “Put more oomph into it. Pretend I’m in a remake you won’t watch of a cartoon you don’t remember.”

11:48 AM: You look happy. Did Colorado change their mind?

11:48 AM: “A promotion? That’s nice. I’m sure whoever does your job is proud.”

11:50 AM: Why? Why not?

11:51 AM: Because I want a free shower.

11:51 AM: Because I haven’t been promoted in a while.

11:55 AM: “Consider this: the stereotypical black man is materialistic. Gun-toting. Proudly ignorant. You know who else that describes? The stereotypical American. It’s history’s grandest act of projection. As if we’re the only patients in this asylum. Anyway, you can’t throw.”

11:59 AM: “Wow! You hit the target, and I didn’t fall. Sucks to work so hard for nothing, doesn’t it? Shame. Damn shame.”

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Thanks for reading! I always enjoy the opportunity to make your day a little dumber.