Exclusive Evil - Fight Night

Love’s commentary desk.

Some overdue fun. Here’s a round of bonus comedy, on me.

Dig it? Spread the wealth. Don’t? Spread the plague.

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O: Welcome back to HeartBeat, America’s leading emotional combat sport. One couple enters, two singles leave. Supported by WagerSlave, your one-stop hub for betting events, rehab, and debt relief.

X: It’s fight n—

O: Not yet. We’re live from the Mount Kisco Chili’s, during Tessa and Luke’s weekly in-joke dinner. But it’s not a normal Tecate Tuesday, is it Xavier?

X: It’s fight night! Woo!

O: That it is. I’m Ophelia Trace, former relationship counselor and middleweight champion, current play-by-play.

X: And I’m Xavier “The Dawg” Wolfe, former coach. Current host of The Lion’s Den podcast, where I tell war stories and teach fans game. Here, I do color. Woo!

O: Lion’s Den? Not the Wolfe Pack?

X: That’s great! Write that down. Is changing a pod’s name four years in weird?

O: Let’s focus on the match. Tessa and Luke have been rivals since date two, or as fans know it, Hell in Taco Bell.

X: Dope match. She showed up an hour late, he was already stoned. Ten minutes later, they were both crying about exes. And then they still smashed. Wild.

O: Few Taco Bells see that level of play.

X: They totally do. Don’t you Live Mas?

O: Guilty. Tonight’s tale of the tape: Tessa’s 36, 136 pounds, and an ambush striker. Luke’s 27, 165 pounds, and a deflection specialist.

X: Classic October-February matchup.

O: December-May. Our first fighter’s arrived. Luke has his Big Fight uniform: a Megadeth tee and heelflip-worn Pumas. It’s also his off-season uniform. These might be his only clothes.

X: Good stuff. Dude looks confident, and the rest barely matters. Half the match is ignoring the other person. My man’s emotionally jacked.

O: Unfortunately, there’s no opponent to intimidate. Tessa’s thirty minutes late.

X: Forget what I said. That’s good stuff. Let the other team sweat. Tessa’s a student of the game.

O: And arriving now. In her Big Fight uniform, which Luke won’t notice. Red eyed–she’s already cried today. Her group chat’s wishing her luck. Looks like she’s been in the lab.

X: Again, high-level play. You gotta come in warmed up, with a plan. Think Luke knows this is a match?

O: Negative. Luke’s telling a work story without an ending. Tessa’s pretending to listen. Luke senses something wrong, so he’s extending the story. He might run the clock until the waiter arrives. Impressive evasion.

X: Too much footwork. Where’s the action?

O: It’s worked! Luke orders two beers, both for himself. Tessa goes with straight tequila.

X: T’s banned in some leagues, which is crap. If there’s an edge, you take it. Martin “The Hammer” Logan took any drugs that got insults flowing. That deserves celebration, not an asterisk.

O: Silence. Drinks inbound. Cheers. Silence. Tessa asks why he thinks this is okay–a body blow. Luke restarts his story. Tessa repeats the question. Another hit.

X: If he cries first, this match is over.

O: Not yet–Luke says Chili’s was her idea–along with every other date theme. Successful reversal. Tessa says she wants him to want more. Double reversal. They’re stuck in a clinch.

X: That’s the problem with therapy-speak plays. No punch. What happened to “You’re a manchild” and “You don’t know what you want?” The basics. At some point, you stop being passive-aggressive and run the ball.

O: Hold on–Tessa says she wants kids.

X: I thought this was the DINK division.

O: So did Luke. He’s reeling. No counterpunch.

X: Rookie move. If it was me, I’d say something awesome instead.

O: He offers to try. She says you don’t try kids. He says he’d try for her, if she let him.

X: Now. We. Are. Cooking.

O: She says not to bother. She wants an adult.

X: By God, he’s broken in half! I haven’t seen Chili’s tears like this since dad split.

O: The waiter’s asking them to leave. Politely, but with security in sight. We have ref stoppage.

X: I take it all back. This is an all-timer. Luke’ll need months of rehab to compete again. Maybe years.

O: Inimitable. It makes me miss the ring.

X: I hear that.

O: We should talk more. Outside of work.

X: What, like a podcast?

O: Something like that.

X: I dig it. We could call it TraceWolf, and make the logo a wolf with a bullseye.

O: We’ll work on that. Thank you all for joining us tonight! Tune in next month for the rematch. Same time, same venue, same outcome.

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Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed the ride. All the shots are from Lucha Underground, a show I consider TV’s reason for existing. If you dug it, consider my book of equally recondite insanity.