Exclusive Evil - How to Love America

Seducing the state.

I heard there’s a holiday! Let’s enjoy it.

I’m still experimenting with referrals. Bring friends to Dennard+ for free stuff. More on that after the jokes.

---

You’ve neglected the flag. Like any relationship, patriotism needs constant affirmation. Yet you laze around all day, complaining about your rights and bullet wounds. Meanwhile, autocracy appreciates America, listens to its problems, and offers creative solutions. Nagging about democracy can’t compete.

July 4th’s your chance to rekindle the spark—wildfires be damned—and prove your love. To celebrate America as the best part of the United States. Depending on your party, you can even open the relationship to autocracy. It just takes the right gesture. Something explosive.

If you’re running out of fingers to detonate, you can still pledge your allegiance. Just use this exceptional list. You don’t have to do everything on it, unless you want the empire to love you back. 

• Donate those last fingers anyway. You can get the good stuff from a guy called “A-Bomb” behind the diner.

• Find a countryman you disagree with. Embrace them. Whisper “We’ll bury you.”

• Cover the national anthem. Ignore the clock, and any mouthy neighbors. You’re armed for a reason.

• Call your Dad. Admit you resented his global hegemony, but have done a lot of growing up. You get it now. Cry it out, and then ask how that new King is going.

• Get a tattoo of your favorite franchise. Two sequel minimum, this isn’t art school.

• Meat.

• Finish a Kid Rock album without laughing or striking a wall.

• Find a countryman you disagree with. Hear them out. Listen to their hopes, anxieties, and other exploitable weaknesses.

• Work more corn into your day. Is there corn in your water? Your clothing? Your insulin? Be creative.

• Take two more tries at the Kid Rock album. Three if you get close. No one’s perfect, and America knows that. But smirks and kicks count.

• Grab a textbook and some red, white, and blue sharpies. Cross out any attacks on freedom. Upgrade to a pen knife or lighter if necessary. Return the improved edition to the library.

• Challenge a discipline’s inventor to a debate. If they accept, block them.

• Rewatch Independence Day, but skip the commie speech giving away our big day.

• Take a justice out to dinner. Tell them you’re buying. A house, for them.

• Find a countryman you disagree with. Stare until they know you’re staring. Make sure they feel your connection.

• Get shot in line at the gun shop.

• Get shot in the ER.

• Get shot in physical therapy.

• Duck a bullet after discharge.

• Get shot. Dealer’s choice on location.

• Find a countryman you disagree with. Get shot.

• Destroy a simple, universal, and addictive app in half a year.

• Tell nine strangers they have to have kids.

• Stick to advanced slurs. Deep cuts. Nothing with six letters counts. Today’s only hard-r is spearchucker.

• Tell your whiny dog/child/self that if they don’t pipe down and learn to love a good explosion, you’ll visit the nearest kennel/orphanage/asylum.

• Enjoy a deviance-free beer.

• Avoid looking up parent companies or distributors of deviance-free beer.

• Enjoy a deviant beer. They’ve distanced themselves from the enemy.

• Find a countryman you disagree with. Invite them to your podcast. There’s no podcast, but trade screams over Discord anyway.

• Meat.

• Approach a mixed couple. Say they’ll have beautiful children. Remind them some societies would take issue, but we know how to hold our noses.

• Conquer Guam.

• Join a barfight’s final swings. Brag for seventy years.

  

• Find a billionaire in need. Fold eight dollars into his outstretched palm, hold it tight, and tell him he is loved.

• Check under your bed for communism.

• Find a countryman you disagree with. Shake their hand. Squeeze until something pops.

• Take out every book your library has about Dresden. Burn them.

• Take out every book your library has about tribal history. Keep them.

• Take out every book your library has about Triangle Trade. Sell them.

• Take out every book your library has about Tulsa. Forget them.

• Donate a few books about the Gipper.

• Buy a globe. Circle the best country you see. Draw eagles over future states, and stars over the competition. You should only see eagles.

• Find a countryman you disagree with. Feel your heartbeat stop. It’s them. They haven’t aged a day. Do they still feel the same way? After all this time? You can’t. Not again. You only have one, half-broken heart, and need to protect what’s left. Call them a cuck online.

• Meat.

• Barbecue.

• Flesh.

• Thank an officer for sacrificing his wrists and knuckles to subaltern discipline. Donate to tendinitis research.

• Ignore the Democracy Index.

• Contest the Democracy Index rankings.

• Accuse The Economist of faking the Democracy Index.

• Storm The Economist with some LARPers.

• Try to kidnap The Economist’s deputy editor.

• Tell The Economist it was just a goof, chill out. Or else.

• Find a countryman you disagree with. Tell him that whatever the headlines, politicians, demagogues, and bots say, you will never forgive him.

• It’s probably fine, but check on the War on Terror. In case there’s a loose end.

• Get tattoos of your favorite rights. Check the news. Cross out obsolete entries.

• Reflect on progress since the Civil War, a clash between a rising white ethnostate and the Confederacy.

• Edit Red Dawn and Rocky IV into one story about a boxer defeating a Soviet invasion.

• Find a countryman you disagree with. Offer them a beer. While they think it over, swing.

• Fire up the grill.

  

---

Enjoyed that? Consider passing it on. I’ve juiced up the referral awards. More fun, less footwork. The bribes for inducting new Extra Evil cultists are:

• Two referrals: A free month of paid access.

• Four referrals: Two secret articles.

• Eight referrals: The Mystery Box.

Sound fun? Either way, thanks for reading.