Exclusive Evil: Love Bombing Safety Guidelines

Preparation, response, and drinking.

Nov 04, 2024

You seem stressed. Have a bonus short.

Enjoy it? Mail it to a friend. Hate it? Plant it on an enemy.

As your office’s randomly-assigned floor warden, you’re irreplaceable. Beyond checking fire escape windows and running active shooter slideshows, you hold knowledge. Rules that save lives during disasters—natural, manmade, or mental. In the event of a love bombing, you provide peers calm, informed leadership. And rum.

Preparation is key. During love bombing drills, avoid the buddy system at all costs. In other crises, it can help to pair off, hide beneath desks, and pray. During bombings, you risk a chain reaction. A buddy might declare that, despite this being their first drill, they’ve never felt this safe. They may propose before the drill ends, and fade before the slideshow. That’s when you break out the kit.

A redesigned kit comes with your laminated floor warden badge. The 2024 kit prioritizes simplicity and durability. The latter’s particularly important, as fresh victims often lash out. Particularly at boxes labeled “Love Bombing Support Kit.” While we’ve tweaked the logo for tact, the tendency endures. Nonetheless, the kit remains integral to providing timely, productivity-saving relief.

Try to keep the kit stocked and accessible. Many wardens store support kits near fire extinguishers or emergency exits, simplifying emergency action. The less you have to remember in a crisis, the better. But any visible and unobstructed location will do. Never bury the kit in your personal effects: in your absence, a pitch or holiday party may descend into chaos.

First, check for an unopened sleeve of double-stuffed Oreos. A stale, incomplete, or single-stuffed sleeve deranges victims further. Only a full, double-stacked dose can prevent months of early Trent Reznor, “ironic” manosphere quotes, and poetry workshops. Force-feeding may be necessary. Do what you must. There are no allergies in a crisis.

Next, you’ll find a pair of translucent earbuds. They’re for you. While we all aspire to patience, a fresh victim’s laments can prove repetitive. Consider a drowner’s tendency to pull down unprepared rescuers. If an anecdote repeats three or more times, deploy the earbuds. They’ll keep you fresh and engaged when/if new information comes along.

The kit should also contain a laminated, vibrantly-colored chart. The Standardized Dating Timeline is an invaluable diagnostic tool. If you suspect a bombing, compare the courtship to date to the handy averages. Each gesture below the localized average is a risk factor, and a potential cue to open the Oreos. A score above seven may require more extreme intervention, which we’ll cover shortly.

Next, check for a single-shot tranquilizer pistol. Survivors often become irrational, and draft messages ranging from the pitiable to the arrestable. As floor warden, minimizing the damage falls to you. It’s your discretion, but most would rather apologize for action than hesitation.

Finally, the kit contains a full bottle of Wray’s overproof rum, four shot glasses, and a Blu-Ray extended cut of Punch-Drunk Love. You’ll find their use intuitive, and the commentary track surprisingly insightful. In a pinch, feel free to skip the glass and directly apply the rum. In fact, we recommend it.

Do not pursue suspects. By the first blast, they’ve already remarried. You don’t even have their real name. Focus on triage.

An engaged warden might ask: what if I’m the target? We recommend a two-tiered approach. First, pick a coworker to be your Safety Deputy. If they balk, just turn on the charm. Who can resist an invitation by bouquet, or live band? But start simple. An open ear’s often more than enough. Let them know you understand.

Then there’s your side plan: if your deputy is absent or no-contact, you still have the kit. The rum and darts can easily be self-administered. We’re looking out for you. Just remember your training and dispose of your phone.

Thank you for your service. Your floor warden performance is special to us, and we hope you feel the same way. We made this whole kit for you, after all. You haven’t been floor warden long, but we think you’re the one.