Exclusive Evil - The Climate Ark is Eternally Postponed

Maybe carbon trapping will work out.

Polling said I should put out a bonus article. Here’s a free riff on some local drama. New York, like the rest of the empire, thrives.

If it speaks to you, spread the word. If it doesn’t, warn others.

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From the desk of Gov. Kathy Hochul

Panic isn’t the answer.

For twenty years, we held healthy debate over Proposal 16. We then voted on, funded, and hired vendors for Proposal 16. Finally, a lottery determined who would live on Proposal 16, and who would remain to fight the good fight. After winning a starboard penthouse, I was more excited than anyone. But it’s not in the stars, and we won’t be either. New Yorkers will have to try our luck on Gaia.

The Climate Ark will remain paused. Forever. I’m sorry.

MTA duties are nearly as diverse and vital as its riders. The state (as in governor-controlled) agency manages the trains, buses, spacecraft, and ferries that shape New York life. Sometimes, trains have to weather a little rust. Others, spacecraft get stripped for parts. These sacrifices allow the whole to thrive, even as the human story ends.

Was the Ark’s christening ceremony, during recorded history’s worst heat wave, difficult timing? Yes. Did children wail as hope sank into the Hudson River? Certainly. But hard choices are a governor’s burden. Mankind might perish without the Ark. My base definitely perishes without Long Island. We need business-forward activism that keeps consumers in orbit.

It’s easy to lambast Ark critics as climate deniers or “Not in my galaxy” caricatures. Reality’s more complex. They’re your neighbors. You work, play, and dehydrate with them every day. And the danger’s real: we’d lose countless taxpayers in the transition to space. Along with everyone left behind to face vengeful, jealous neighbors. Not just nations. Maryland wouldn’t be any more amused. I’m certain that moments after the Ark’s launch, Old New York would be reduced to glowing rubble. Perhaps before.

I’ve spent two months out of the public eye since postponing the project. Tabloids have labeled this period of strategy, negotiation, and prayer as hiding. Willful lies. It was mourning. With or without the Ark, the future was dead. The Ark’s deferment simply made it feel real. I share the highs and lows of modern life with my constituents. Including sweat, power bills, and moments of naked, sobbing horror.

By any fair standard, Project 16 attracted bloat. Take the Grand Archive. Or, as critics labeled it, The Zoo. Freezing samples from every living species is a beautiful idea, and resonant to New Yorkers of faith. But even in the sunniest scenarios, it fell orders of magnitude below sustainable genetic diversity. Better to let wolves perish with dignity than produce endless inbred parodies.

Frankly, human inhabitants faced the same issue. Yes, the Ark could save many of our brightest and luckiest donors. For a generation. But assuming an optimistic fifty percent of passengers lived, the population would collapse generations before tapping food and power stores. Memes about building pickleball courts on the closest inhabitable planet are easy. Reaching Proxima Centauri b is a little tougher.

A sentiment shared by Mayor Eric Adams, my partner in improving the lives of all donors. To quote Eric’s speech on the matter: “Space? That’s where Neptunians live! I hear their voices. I hear them in my teeth. We can’t let Neptune find our gold. I need it for the bunker.” Stirring words, from a future party leader. To the extent we have a future.

A few contractors still demand pay. That’s fine. The first payments are due long after key climate deadlines. If we make it to collection, fiat currency will be a memory. Warlords can repay contractors in pelts and bottlecaps. For now, focus on enjoying the time we have left. Keep your loved ones and incumbents close.

Don’t despair, or start funding independents. As a compromise, my office remains open to Climate Canoes. This lean, nimble initiative would produce dozens of groundbreaking bamboo vessels. The Empire Fleet could navigate the lake projected to replace Albany by 2040. More than enough to save a beloved governor and her prized staff. And their families, depending on the final budget. You can’t hold a good idea back.

Please forgive me.

Sincerely,
Kathy Hochul

Final Governor of New York State

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Thanks for the attention. I’m slightly addicted. I also wrote a book, called Everything Abridged. And a second one (out next July), called How to Dodge a Cannonball.