Exclusive Evil - Times Op-Eds in Five Words

An exercise.

A friend said to sum up The New York Times Opinion page in five words. I went a bit nuts with it.

I’d save this, but I’m not rewriting it for the debate. Enjoy.

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• Area Codes Where Civilians Count

• Eating My Dung: The Future

• David Brooks is Still Here

• Your Hate Makes Me Stronger

• Donnie Really Helped With Traffic

• We Are Blackmailing Roxanne Gay

• You Could Be Sleeping Instead

• Daddy’s Ready for More Clicks

• Here’s What Two Nazis Think

• I’d Totally Win the Debate

• Wait, the Column’s Due Today?

• Stopping Trump by Voting Trump

• The Comments Are Much Worse

• I Didn’t Even Read This

• Why Don’t Protestors Beat Themselves

• The Editorial Board: Don’t Unsubscribe

• Please Spit on Me Kamala

• My Previous Idea: Big Mistake

• I Already Regret This Column

• Stephens and Collins Finally Fuck

• Indulgences Were Great, Here’s Why

• I Need Clicks to Live

• The Dark Side of Oxygen

• Pretty Please Bomb China Now?

• Reddit Post with a Thesaurus

• I Need Clicks to Finish

• Fire Me Fire Me Fire—

• Cancel Culture. Bang, Nailed It

• I Don’t Even Need Clicks

• Incels Spoke. Should We Listen?

• The Editorial Board: Drowning Bad

• Fact Check My Fat Nuts

• World War 3 is Brat

• When Poverty Is Itself Privilege

• Ethnic Cleansing is a Slur

• “Bomb Iran” Was a Banger

• Can Gen Alpha Millennial X’s?

• Indict Me to My Face

• The Editorial Board: Food Good

• I’m a Sane Person, Help

• 2005 Stormfront in Nicer Font

• My Country Burned Down Yesterday

• Her Country Deserved to Burn

• Her Country Isn’t Our Problem

• We Should Re-Burn Her Country

• Remembering Her Country: Lessons Learned

• Cancel Culture Killed My Dog

• Click This Or I’ll Die

• Climate Status Report: Keep Scrolling

• Trans People Are Behind You

• Are We Still in Afghanistan?

• The Nazi Party had Cake

• Sorry About That Last Guy

• The Darkness Is Taking Me

• I Heard You Had Clicks

• Alternative Energy and Book Burning

• I Am The Primordial Cracker

• Climate Status Report: Oh Fuck

• Will We Really Rock You?

• Katy Perry is Girlcrushing It

• I Can’t Even Spell Principles

• Tyranids Deserve Dialogue, Not Scorn

• Choke Me Harder Papa Tim

• 800 Words? Okay, I’ll Try

• Nothing’s More Punk Than Compliance

• The Scars of Genocide Shaming

• Climate Status Report: Good Luck

• The Cornerstone Speech II: Reckoning

• I Survived a Times Column

• Brett Stephens Debates Unopened Medication

• I Bet China Did This

• Life After “Boom Boom Pow”

• Click and I Won’t Shoot

• Those 14 Words Have Spunk

• Readers Respond: “What The Fuck?”

• Climate Status Report: Goodbye, Friends

• I Dare You to Unsubscribe

• Why I Struck Down Obi-Wan

• That One Had Six Words, Idiot

• Hyphens and Word Count: Counter-Intuitive

• Hello, Fellow Leftists. Embrace Christ

• Cultural Elites Love Windchimes

• Let the Gravity Debate Unfold

• Unfold the Gravity Debate Must

• Can’t We Talk About Gravity

• Radical Gravity Partisans Strike Again

• Prove That I Can’t Fly

• But She Wrote Harry Potter

• Gaza’s Kind of Like Baseball

• What Each Candidate’s Brunch Says

• Democrats Are Kinda Like Donkeys

• I’ll Turn Tricks for Clicks

• This is Vance’s Kendrick Moment

• One Metaphor, Eight Hundred Words

• Testin’ Out Some Debate Takes

• Northrop Grumman Thirsts for Blood

• This is Vance’s Drake Moment

• You Can’t Cancel My Bugatti

• Civilian Bombardment is a Slur

• I Hate Myself and Words

• Why Vance is DJ Mustard

• This Week’s Guest Nazi Is:

• Shit, My Deadline’s Here Already?

• Some Hate Speech for You

• I Am Reborn for Clicks

• Maybe Vance is J. Cole?

• Somehow the Journal’s Still Worse

• Once, I Was a Writer

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Thanks for reading. I have one fancy book out and another fancy book coming. Have a good one.