Extra Evil - The Year of Mint Chip

Today's Fortune: Strap in.

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Newsreel

Boeing provided some normalcy.

DUI Day provided additional normalcy.

The market likes chaos.

The FBI found my fireworks.

The UN brought up war crimes mid-party again.

Advanced Toto toilets can handle anything but toilet paper.

A Photo

From my sleepless tour of Ireland. We weren’t there long enough for the show, but it looked like a time.

War Journal

Two holiday posts in a row? Clearly an error. They should’ve picked someone inspirational. More Aragorn, less surly dwarf. Then again, I’ve always been cool with elves and ghosts. Why not me?

We’re on a very readable page of history. Seldom welcome. But during every shitshow, some people thrive. Or, god forbid, make a mark. Why not you?

I’m not fond of certainty. Just worlds and doomed worlds both ring false in my ears. But if you play like winning’s possible, so will I. Why not us?

I see stock creative resolutions floating around again. Excellent. Chase that dragon as far as it goes. Here’s a morsel of writing advice on writing advice. Hopefully it helps my fellow dorks.

Remember karate. Not real karate, that shit’s hard. Hollywood karate.

Weighing critiques gets challenging. Instincts range from changing your life to making an enemy. Neither is particularly productive. When possible, think of different sources of advice as fighting styles.

“There’s no unmarked dialogue in fiction” is dogmatic, and patently false. “There’s no untagged dialogue in firebending” is a glimpse into how someone thinks and reads. There’s something to learning why a distant style from yours works (or, often enough, doesn’t), and what can be pinched from it.

Try it. Or decry your misunderstood genius. I’m not your dad.

I played my first Scrabble game in years. Decades of reading, writing, editing, analyzing, and twisting words armed me to get torn apart. A squirrel could’ve done better. Or at least flipped the board mid-loss.

The first problem? No revisions. I’m an insane line editor, but weak turns don’t take updates. The move I should have made ten minutes ago is less than trivia. And annoys the rest of the table.

The rule against extremity sealed my fate. Turns out I’m less Will Smith, more Shady. Bad news for my future output, but let’s enjoy the present.

Drunk trains are perfect diversions. You don’t have to be trashed—I was dry as an on-call surgeon. Wait, are they sober? I’ll worry about that later, my scans look fine. The point is, the January 1st subway was a roving party, whether you wanted one or not. I’m pro-entropy.

This round, I got drafted after Scrabble. Two singing drunks crashed into me and my pricey camera, which I hope still works. I’ll test it out once I’m done typing. If the other sections sound furious, it’s totaled.

“At least she’s cute, right?” noted Drunk One. “Not a smelly homeless guy.” Followed by more quips—I was busy tapping my pockets. Innocent collisions tend to end in missing wallets.

Wallet, phone, overpriced headphones. Clear. Back to the clowns. “A London blonde,” continued Drunk One. Two looked ready to jump onto the tracks.

“Is that a phrase?” I grumbled. People say anything to feel exotic. Or duck a subway conflict. Understandable, given the week’s headlines. But I didn’t wear Shonen Jump t-shirts to read as a default threat. The two cops in sight wouldn’t let me survive flopping onto another passenger, let alone starting a fight. Not my ideal audience.

“Sorry,” slurred Drunk Two. They wore matching foam Planet Fitness hats. Had America’s favorite semi-gym sponsored this year’s countdown? The pair didn’t smell like urine and disappointment. Maybe they just loved Planet Fitness? People flew further for worse reasons. My dying brain chased that rabbit far away from the active conversation, until I reached the simple truth.

I was taking this too seriously.

Drunk One switched tactics. She opened a set of tinfoil-wrapped cookies, dotted with green chips. Hopefully Christmas green, instead of St. Patrick’s Day leftovers. Food poisoning would be a tough start to America’s last year.

“They’re mint.”

I babbled something about MacroFactor and sugar. Drunk One stared, baffled.

“But they’re mint.”

I took the cookie. Zero mint, but welcome. Well-timed frosting saves friendships and prevents wars. I settled back into writing, tamed by sugar. The newsletter wouldn’t finish itself, and I’d seen enough sunrises. What was a lens between friends? Or strangers?

The camera’s fine. Tonight’s a net gain.

The Present

• I wrote a novel about the Civil War, because I like trouble. [My Next Book]

• I still refuse to believe Arcane’s this good. My senses are lying. [Weeaboo Hell]

• My last column of the year! Featuring Christian Power Rangers. [1900HOTDOG]

• Never relent in the war on punctuation. [Exclusive Evil]

• Five of my fancy comedy columns are free! The best, even. [1900HOTDOG]

• What a charming looking script. [The Stunt List]

• Everything Abridged abridges lots of things. [My Previous Book]

The Past

Explaining my column to family is a trip.

The Future

The next 1900HOTDOG column has a pettier target. It’s probably good to pace out the cults and race wars.

Not Brought to You By

I’m still mining Electronic Gaming Monthly #1. I read quite a bit of it in high school, which totally has nothing to do with my current column.

The ad itself? Whatever. A hotline for confused children to recieve tips/recommendations for Mom’s credit card? Daemon brilliance. This isn’t the only hotline of it’s ilk, and I have no idea who pulled this heist first. But I’ll review the concept here.

Creativity: A | Persuasion: A- | Sanity: F

Next, a two-page spread. I’m ignoring the second page, because it’s tiny text below blurry screenshots, and the children ignored it as well.

More games have been forgotten than I’ll ever touch.

It’s just the game box art. For this generation, that kind of laziness is…a decent choice. That budget zeerust evokes a feeling. There’s promise of romance and explosions, which is really all these need to achieve. Cheesy is an insult, unless you’re at BagelFest. Then…shit, I missed BagelFest 2024. Whatever, next year.

“Action! Challenge! Depth!” Smooth as sandpaper, with some charm. I’m still chasing those highs, so well selected. Just shouting them is a bit blind, but you haven’t embarrassed yourself.

Creativity: C | Persuasion: B+ | Sanity: B

One Sentence Reviews

On Composition - Michael Freeman: Me make camera pretty someday. (Pretty/5)

Gigabyte Motherboards: Don’t. (1/5)

MSI Motherboards: Not melting. (2.5/5)

Arcane (Season 2): I’m baffled. (4.5/5)

MAGNAVOLT - ODEO 3035: I’m still an easy synth mark. (3/5)

MAGNAVOLT - MOTOKO The Awakening: A real easy mark. (3.5/5)

Easy Question

Harder Question

Signing off

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