Extra Evil - Probably Fine

Today’s Fortune: Don't kill the vibe with the vibe.

---

Newsreel

Joe Biden and Xi Jinping stood in the same photo.

102 merciless U.N. aid workers have been neutralized.

Eric Adams joined Senator Menendez’s support group.

An army plant pivoted to the vendor side of arms dealing.

Manchin’s going back to fighting Captain Planet.

Space hotels are almost ready for space debtors.

Today's Mood

War Journal

I’ve been pedaling around. I just promised to avoid anything new, but this is a revival: I cycled until a tipsy SUV nailed me in 2020. He kept going, so I bet there was a great party later.

My fault, really: I asked “What could ruin this month?” after finding an agent, a compatible actress, and a working Armored Core III emulator. I had more time for the emulator after that crash.

Obviously, I lived. But man, imagine Everything Abridged sales if I’d died. I’d be the black John Kennedy Toole (he’s far better, but I think I’m 60% there). And the actress would’ve had a lifelong anecdote. If there’s a crash during my next launch, I’m not rolling with the impact.

I just like that joke, I’m in a good mood. In New York, biking feels like unlocking Epona. Well, if Epona got stolen more often.

I say deadline hell a lot. It’s not a metaphor. There’s a tangible place, right at the edge our reality, where deadlines live. They are many, writhing, and fanged. I bring a stake driver, though the threaded cane works in a pinch.

Cross-procrastination helps. Editing instead of writing. Writing instead of email. Email instead of reading about orphanage-sized craters. Reading about craters instead of commuting. I finished this newsletter early, because I’m not excited for the the arctic bike ride home. Doomscrolling still can’t compete with slothscrolling.

Is anything worse than a stale smell? Yes. The candiru, child labor, and CNN. But noses complain loudly. If I was on fire, my first thought would be “who burned dinner?”

Alluring scents are worse. How much easier would calorie madness be if cinnamon buns didn’t smell like hope? People need hope. I’m eating a cinnamon bun. Two cinnamon buns. Help.

I’m down for an olfactory off switch. Since we’re sprinting in the biopunk direction, let’s put that on the list. Right after the whole cancer thing.

Ever made a bad bet?

For thirty-ish years, I’ve made fun of American opinionation. I built my act mocking American opinionation. I sold my book mocking American opinionation. Mocking American opinionation is my longest and healthiest friendship.

I was wrong. “No comment,” is driving me much, much crazier.

The Present

Bill Cosby remains a one-man horror show.

Only one piece of hate mail for riffing on Seals 4 Kidz. Nice.

Your vertical monopoly needs a rebrand.

The best Bigfoot trapping contest in history.

You could own two copies of Everything Abridged.

The Past

I loved doing this interview for Jane Ratcliffe’s newsletter. Ch-ch-check it out.

The Future

Some spicy New Yorker ish comes out sometime next month.

As of press time, I’m torn between a sunny retrospective and completing a trilogy of nightmares.

Not Brought to You By

I’m friendlier to stunt ads than most. I’d say “open-minded.” My sister says “demented.” If she’s right, I’d have done well at Acclaim. Less Mad Men, more madmen.

This AP headline might ring a bell:

That’s not sensationalized (much). Acclaim UK offered gamers/madmen $800 to legally change their names to Turok—an FPS dinosaur hunter—for a year. They received an avalanche of takers.

The press hated it. Gaming talking heads hated it. People with a scrap of tradition in their hearts hated it.

I love it. So much. I can’t think about it without laughing. If even one hero followed through, it was worthwhile.

Creativity: A
Persuasion: D
Sanity: See me after class.

One Sentence Reviews

Nevermore - Dreaming Neon Black: Nothing’s more uplifting than titles like “Flesh is the Weakness.” (4.5/5)

Bill Cosby - Childhood: Kids these days kids these days kids these days kids these days Rohypnol kids these days. (0.5/5)

Uncle Luoyang’s Food Cart: Goodbye, health-code violating angel. (4/5)

Open Question

Signing off

Thanks for reading Extra Evil, the newsletter now named Turok. Share it to slap sense into it.

-DD