Exclusive Evil - Regent University Needs Cash

Only your money can save our Ivy.

This almost ran in Everything Abridged, but I had some other work on university madness. Consider it a DVD extra. I’m also doing a birthday Q&A post this week, so put any questions you want answered in the comments here.

Enjoy it? Spread the love. Hate it? Punish an enemy.

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Hey Buddy!

As your Alumni Giving Chairs, we like to check on old friends. We haven’t heard from you in a while, which is fine. But you also haven’t donated. Are you alright?

Let us know if you need help, or an envelope. We miss your offbeat flavor. It never came up before, but your charming deviance gave Regent color. The community just isn’t the same without your wit, strange opinions, or money. We’ll settle for the money.

Don’t forget, it’s almost your 7th Reunion! That’s the best one. We throw Earth’s largest reunion because we love you. And you go because you love donating. It’d be gauche to celebrate school spirit without showing any, wouldn’t it? Natural Ice isn’t free.

Indulge a little nostalgia. Remember our zany adventures? Like when Sid called you an upjumped monkey? Or when Gianna asked for a pencil? Or when Devin called you an upjumped monkey? Kids say the damnedest things. Sid’ll be at Reunions, you know. You two can reconnect.

Not every Ivy indulges your type. Apex only takes two a year, and they’re doing fine. Why not pay your luck forward? Or backwards, to the people that gave you a hand? On payday, remember that Regent always put diversity—that means you, Bob Marley—first.

Mother Regent bleeds. We invested twenty million dollars into a Yunnan ghost city, losing over three percent of the endowment. Under austerity we’ve lost running water for the arts, electricity for PhDs, and the Dean’s winter bonus. Now grad students sell Adderall to survive. We didn’t steal health care from adjuncts: your inaction did.

Sure, you make less than right-minded alumni. You skipped the consulting path we laid out in simple, clear terms. That’s fine. What matters is sharing what you can, when you can. Immediately.

Fun fact: both of your nephews have applied to Regent, citing you by name. What’s that worth to you? Or your brother? Besides, your demo often has a kid or two on the side. If you won’t raise them, at least leave them a future.

Remember our creed: Regent belongs to the world, and the world belongs to Regent. Stay on the winning team.

Sincerely,

Your Alumni Giving Chairs

Gianna Ford-Gates
Devin Bezos
Sid Luthor

P.S. Regent has a new holiday! It’s called Giving Day. On it, you give. It’s a bit like Christmas: there’s just twelve days, but the spirit is year-round.

P.P.S. Today’s the first day of Giving Day.

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As always, thanks for reading. This is probably about my old summer camp, not Central Jersey. I appreciate you spreading the plague, and have fancy referral bonuses.

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Birthday Q&A - Taking Questions

The reaper’s spared me another year, and you’ve stuck with me. So I’m putting out a Q&A Saturday. Pop any question you want answered into the comments here. Whatever you ask, serious or arch, gets answered this weekend. Sound fun?