The Largest Medium - Results
The spirits have spoken.
I asked “What is the American future?”
You asked the spirits in turn.
I assume the spirits also called someone. Maybe the demiurge, or older spirits, or themselves in the future. Magic’s funny like that.
The winning readings follow. Perhaps the spirits can even teach us How to Dodge a Cannonball.
Logistics: I'll reach out for addresses this week. If you don’t hear from me by Saturday, feel free to email me/comment/send smoke signals. If I missed your entry, email/comment/send smoke signal twice.
These spoke to me too, so I’ve unearthed and signed some books. Everyone gets an advance reader copy and prank artifact.
#16 - jasonpearl01
via Instagram
Bleak.
The spirits are laconic. And honest.
#15 - katies.art.page
via Instagram
I say Canada flips the script and the states become Canada's newest province!
The sequel of 1812. Sounds fun, though I fear absorbing EagleLand comes with more madness than benefit.
#14 - George Lucas
via Extra Evil comments
The Australians are gonna get us while we're distracted trying to fight Canada. It's gonna be all over before you can say "crikey!"
Gotta watch out for that reverse-Blitzkrieg. Actually, scratch that. Don’t warn the White House about anything. Try to “lose” any intelligence that comes your way.
#13 - noiretoon
via Extra Evil comments
While I have my digital copy preordered like the good little consumer I've been indoctrinated to be, I can't help but throw my only hat into the ring:
The American future is the past of the Mad Max movies, collapsed into an opening crawl movie summary.
And now the customary George Miller rewatch costs me a productive weekend. Quite cruel.
#12 - Jim @runbambirun.bsky.social
via BlueSky
The American Future isn't Demolition Man. But it's not not Demolition Man. There's also RoboCop. Lots of them. Likely racist. Lots of future cops is my main takeaway here.
Demolition Man and Metal Gear: Rising remain uncrowned kings in the satirical lineage. One day.
#11 - C. L. Steiner
via Extra Evil Comments
Criswell (look him up) returns from the dead and tells us the real future. You won’t want to miss it. Meanwhile, I want my damn flying jetpack they promised us back in the sixties.
This sent me on a Wikipedia spiral. Good times.
I promised floppy ARCs, but we can beat that. Our Top Ten get fancy hardcovers, signed, and two prank artifacts. I have a lot of prank artifacts. Hopefully more next week.
#10 - Mary Louisa Locke
via Extra Evil comments
I have no desire to predict the future (apart from my near future sci fi series--Caelestis series--shameless plug. ) But seriously, I have started rereading William Gibson from start to finish, and at least in his first 3 novels, written in the 80s and set in some near future that predicted much of the internet and AI, his future world is literally awash in faxes!!! No cell phones, but lots and lots of fax machines, and stack of old faxes, newspapers that now come out as faxes!!! I found this hilarious. So I vote for this as our fate when all else in the universe fails.
Mary’s prize is coming via fax. Also, are plugs in a promo contest recursion? How much deeper can we go? What’s everyone working on today?
#9 - The Abominable Dr. Vibes
via BlueSky (@ego-dfa-86.bsky.social)
Like re-watching the disaster that was WCW in 1999/2000 and becoming nostalgic for train wrecks every quarter hour instead of Surge.
To love wrestling is to love pain. Sometimes, a performer’s. Often, your own. Current events are similar, without the acrobatics or likeable leads.
#8 - Clementine Danger
via BlueSky (@clementinedanger.bsky.social)
I assume due to tariffs and the fascist takeover and borders closing it's just for Americans? This is both a question and my entry.
Comedy’s half context, and confusion counts. As you can see, international entries are fine. I'm just eating the costs, and doing less than I would otherwise. Don't worry about that elsewhere. It's fine. The man behind the curtain's probably just bored spirit.
#7 - Matthew Kahn
via Extra Evil comments
You will go on a long voyage to an undisclosed location. That gum you like is going to come back into style, but will be made out of coal slurry by Arkansan schoolchildren. Years of lead, in our politicians and drinking water.
Undisclosed location…nice. That could be anywhere! Hopefully it snows there, I like snowboarding.
#6 - Jane Fisher
via Extra Evil comments
Today, several newspapers, including The Chicago Sun-Times, printed an AI generated reading list which included many non-existent books. They later printed an apology which included: " We are looking into how this made it into print, this was not created, or approved by (us)."
More of this, minus the newspapers.
Evocative use of the zeitgeist. Especially since high-tech replays of gold rush lunacy still get free laughs from me. Dread would be more rational, but I'm stuck with my brain.
Alongside the material above, these entrants get to pick the topic of a fake ad. I’m doing these one week at a time to stay sane, starting with Number Five. The mockups will go in the Wednesday post.
#5 - Greg Stolze
via BlueSky (@gregstolze.bsky.social)
Obnoxious technology no one can bring themselves to discard. The continued destruction of the government, fueled by hatred of the government, as expressed by the government. Sex bots and school shootings.
A fastball, straight and true. I hope the sexbots come with a heart monitor, or at least a feeding tube. We may lose some people.
#4 - Victoria Oosterhout
Via Extra Evil comments
I have a preorder but sure:
The age of gradient UI design is cut short when congress bans color mixing.
At least we’ll get to remake Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner with hoverboards. That’ll be cool. Enjoy dual-wielding books.
#3 - pcpetepetevia
via Instagram
vape induced eugenics
I laughed at this for some time. I might peddle complicated jokes, but my diet has all the basics. Anyone could’ve won with a baseball hitting a groin.
#2 - Fancyshark
via Extra Evil comments
Takes a turn partway through "The Pet Goat".
Wonderful double-take joke.
As above, plus a bonus chapter, plus yet another prank artifact. The spirits made a lot of fake signs.
#1 - Avatar Longmile149
via Extra Evil comments
The future will be significantly shorter for a great many people who deserve far better and significantly longer for a relative handful who deserve far worse.
What a zany imagination! It’d never really happen, of course. That’d turn society into a giant hissing pressure cooker. The explosion would be minutes away, if not seconds. No one would let things get that far. Let’s all laugh together.
Laugh!
Thank you all for playing, reading, and indulging a promotional barrage. Like this card:
If your entry slipped, reach out. I've been sleeping a normal amount lately, but only because most people don't get to sleep enough.
See you Wednesday. Stay sane out there.
-DD
