Exclusive Evil - My Friend Eric is Saved

A bonus article, about my muse. If you like it, send it to your soulmate. If you hate it, send it to someone you ghosted.

I love Eric, and Eric loves me. When the Justice Department cleared his good name, I rushed to share my joy in art. Responses varied.

Hey Dennard,

We’re more into sharable egg jokes, less into future evidence.

Redacted, Chortler’s Online Habit

Dear Dennard,

Vivid! Inspired! Unprintable. I’ll pass, but I’m sure this will find a nice home.

Redacted, The Urbanite

Hey D-Day,

32k words in one night! I won’t pretend that’s normal, but who needs normal? Congrats on writing your Running Man. Or Cujo, if hate counts as a drug. I say we put this draft aside, count to ten, and decide if we want this lawsuit.

Redacted, Gravity Lit. Agency

Hey Bro,

Just checking in on you! Thanks again for splitting OneDrive. I poked around “Eric.txt” and it’s great fiction! That’s fiction, right? A fake manifesto? Let’s talk soon. Like tomorrow!

Call me, please.

Redacted, Muted WhatsApp Thread

Dennard. Oh man.

We’re pretty liaise-faire. You can pick movies, play chicken with deadlines, and take any tangent that gets laughs. But they’re just that. Tangents. Your entire Rebel Moon review is three thousand words about Eric Adams, and one sentence about Rebel Moon. Said sentence: “Rebel Moon sucks, but far less than Eric Adams.”

It's a little off-brand. And far too generous to Snyder’s plagiarism habit. Rebel Moon sucks about half as much as Eric Adams.

Redacted, Cinéma Absurdité

Hey Bro,

My boss says we can’t print these. Something blah NSA. Sorry. Want to print the CIA stickers again? The law should be fine with that.

Redacted, Print4LessBK

Dear Mr. Dayle,

The Mayor of New York loves hearing from New York supporters and concerned New Yorkers. We’re all New Yorkers in New York, celebrating spurious charges falling and real New York priorities taking center stage in New York.

The mayor is too busy fighting for you, figuratively, for single combat. Dueling became illegal in New York in 1839—we were the first state to ban it! That’s a fun New York fact you can write about, instead of prodding old wounds.

New Yorkers are all in this together. Future letters will be shredded.

Timothy Adams, Official NYC Fan Mail Czar

Dear Mr. Dayle,

We appreciate that norms differ within a community. We are not, however, in a position to call anyone a house anything.

Redacted, Chortler’s Online Habit

Hey DDay,

I love it! We’d both go to jail. Burn this.

Redacted, Gravity Lit. Agency

Hey Writing Guy,

Alright, I’ll gonna reply once. It’s pretty cool that I’m related to Boss Tweed—that probably took hardcore digging. And I’d like being famous as much as anyone else. I even almost get how suing baldy for copyright infringement almost makes sense. But I don’t want to make enemies with petty dudes in office. It’s a bad decade for it.

P.S: How’d you get this email? It’s my coupon burner.

Redacted, One-Sided Gmail Thread

Hey Dday,

…Another one? Are you on something? Can I try it?

I’ll see what I can do. But the internet tapped guillotine jokes, and this is basically one long, graphic, borderline criminal guillotine joke. I’m gambling on borderline.

Redacted, Gravity Lit. Agency

Spicy stuff! We list jar puns. Have any jar puns about the mayor? Or seasonal coffee? That would be fun.

Redacted, Chortler’s Online Habit

Dennard,

On second thought, add five hundred words directly about Snyder and we’ll run the review as-is. Interesting times and all that. Might as well go down swinging.

Redacted, Cinéma Absurdité

Poster Guy,

What’s your fuckin’ problem? Don’t you want to see another black ivy grad succeed? Yeah, I didn’t go, but saying it felt right. In fact, that’s your damage. You’re stuck on what really happened or who really did it. In 2025. You could be uplifting other black inventors.

Look! We’re inventors now! See how easy life can be?

Lighten Up,
Eric

PS: Do the posters again, and we’ll beat the black off you.

Redacted, Mar-a-Lago Branded Napkin

This is probably all I’ll ever say about Eric, today, in email. If you enjoyed or understood any of it, consider preordering my much funnier book. It keeps me out of the news. Probably.

-DD