Exclusive Evil - Times Op-Eds in Five Words

A friend said to sum up The New York Times Opinion page in five words. I went a bit nuts with it.

I’d save this, but I’m not rewriting it for the debate. Enjoy.

• Area Codes Where Civilians Count
• Eating My Dung: The Future
• David Brooks is Still Here
• Your Hate Makes Me Stronger
• Donnie Really Helped With Traffic
• We Are Blackmailing Roxanne Gay
• You Could Be Sleeping Instead
• Daddy’s Ready for More Clicks
• Here’s What Two Nazis Think
• I’d Totally Win the Debate
• Wait, the Column’s Due Today?
• Stopping Trump by Voting Trump
• The Comments Are Much Worse
• I Didn’t Even Read This

• Why Don’t Protestors Beat Themselves
• The Editorial Board: Don’t Unsubscribe
• Please Spit on Me Kamala
• My Previous Idea: Big Mistake
• I Already Regret This Column
• Stephens and Collins Finally Fuck
• Indulgences Were Great, Here’s Why
• I Need Clicks to Live
• The Dark Side of Oxygen
• Pretty Please Bomb China Now?
• Reddit Post with a Thesaurus
• I Need Clicks to Finish
• Fire Me Fire Me Fire—
• Cancel Culture. Bang, Nailed It

• I Don’t Even Need Clicks
• Incels Spoke. Should We Listen?
• The Editorial Board: Drowning Bad
• Fact Check My Fat Nuts
• World War 3 is Brat
• When Poverty Is Itself Privilege
• Ethnic Cleansing is a Slur
• “Bomb Iran” Was a Banger
• Can Gen Alpha Millennial X’s?
• Indict Me to My Face
• The Editorial Board: Food Good
• I’m a Sane Person, Help
• 2005 Stormfront in Nicer Font

• My Country Burned Down Yesterday
• Her Country Deserved to Burn
• Her Country Isn’t Our Problem
• We Should Re-Burn Her Country
• Remembering Her Country: Lessons Learned
• Cancel Culture Killed My Dog
• Click This Or I’ll Die
• Climate Status Report: Keep Scrolling
• Trans People Are Behind You
• Are We Still in Afghanistan?
• The Nazi Party had Cake
• Sorry About That Last Guy
• The Darkness Is Taking Me
• I Heard You Had Clicks

• Alternative Energy and Book Burning
• I Am The Primordial Cracker
• Climate Status Report: Oh Fuck
• Will We Really Rock You?
• Katy Perry is Girlcrushing It
• I Can’t Even Spell Principles
• Tyranids Deserve Dialogue, Not Scorn
• Choke Me Harder Papa Tim
• 800 Words? Okay, I’ll Try
• Nothing’s More Punk Than Compliance
• The Scars of Genocide Shaming
• Climate Status Report: Good Luck
• The Cornerstone Speech II: Reckoning
• I Survived a Times Column

• Brett Stephens Debates Unopened Medication
• I Bet China Did This
• Life After “Boom Boom Pow”
• Click and I Won’t Shoot
• Those 14 Words Have Spunk
• Readers Respond: “What The Fuck?”
• Climate Status Report: Goodbye, Friends
• I Dare You to Unsubscribe
• Why I Struck Down Obi-Wan
• That One Had Six Words, Idiot
• Hyphens and Word Count: Counter-Intuitive
• Hello, Fellow Leftists. Embrace Christ
• Cultural Elites Love Windchimes
• Let the Gravity Debate Unfold
• Unfold the Gravity Debate Must
• Can’t We Talk About Gravity
• Radical Gravity Partisans Strike Again
• Prove That I Can’t Fly

• But She Wrote Harry Potter
• Gaza’s Kind of Like Baseball
• What Each Candidate’s Brunch Says
• Democrats Are Kinda Like Donkeys
• I’ll Turn Tricks for Clicks
• This is Vance’s Kendrick Moment
• One Metaphor, Eight Hundred Words
• Testin’ Out Some Debate Takes
• Northrop Grumman Thirsts for Blood
• This is Vance’s Drake Moment
• You Can’t Cancel My Bugatti
• Civilian Bombardment is a Slur
• I Hate Myself and Words
• Why Vance is DJ Mustard
• This Week’s Guest Nazi Is:
• Shit, My Deadline’s Here Already?
• Some Hate Speech for You
• I Am Reborn for Clicks
• Maybe Vance is J. Cole?
• Somehow the Journal’s Still Worse
• Once, I Was a Writer

Thanks for reading. I have one fancy book out and another fancy book coming. Have a good one.