Extra Evil - Feign Brilliance
Today's Fortune: Minimal.

Newsreel
We retired MLK Day.
TikTok pivoted to domestic propaganda.
Whooping cough got its groove back.
A ceasefire reached Gaza’s survivor.
South Korea’s trendsetting impeachment trial continued.
Caterpillar venom may soon cure more people than its killed.
A Photo

War Journal
Life needs a third-person toggle. Better yet, an isometric view. I could crush mornings from an X-Com perspective. On the ground, everything feels too real.
I thought I was joking, but I’d love a boost to objectivity. Nothing screws up simple decisions like feeling the outcome. I’d never check off “green card ceremony” on a character sheet. Give me that toggle, and I’ll be the first shitposter to run the General Assembly.
Maybe that’s why lunatics build cults so easily. Everyone around them looks like a zergling.

Overhead in a warm cafe on a cold day.
Loud: My sister got a bellybutton piercing in high school, and my Mom ripped it off.
Skeptic: That’s like…”smoke a pack of cigarettes” type-stuff.
Loud: I guess. Anyway, I went back to the beauty school, for a new piercing. I like what I got, but I couldn’t get the one I wanted.
Skeptic: Why?
Loud: I’ve got too many. The ear can’t, like, take more.
Skeptic: Uh-huh.
Loud: I respect them. They could’ve just done it.
Less than deep. But it made me smile.

I’ve got a live interview today about How to Dodge a Cannonball, with Buzz Books. If it goes well, you’ll be entertained. If it goes poorly, you’ll be be very entertained.
Learn how I think, and often don’t.

Ready for some hypocrisy?
I’ve spilled decades of ink mocking stock jokes. But as Joe’s zombie races Caligula for credit spectating a purge, I have to lean on a meme. A mad-libs prompt half the planet’s used. Sing along if you know the words.
When I die, I want the Democrats to lower my casket. So they can let me down one last time.
The Present
- Preordering “How to Dodge a Cannonball” is in these days. [My Next Book]
- Ready to not learn magic again? [1900HOTDOG]
- Preview “How to Dodge a Cannonball” and all will be well. [Buzz Books]
- Maybe we’ll get hoverboards before the end. [Weeaboo Hell]
- Precision rambling. [Exclusive Evil]
- You need me in more mediums. [The Stunt List]
- Everything Abridged called more than I’d like. [My Previous Book]
The Past
The Future
I’ve procrastinated for centuries on the next Expensive Evil. Beyond that, get ready for a new sound. No, not music. I might have Dave Mustaine’s IQ, but I don’t have his fingers.
Not Brought to You By
I’ve barely turned the page in this issue of Physical Culture. It just keeps hitting. I’m finding inspiration for entire other projects in here.
Take this corpse generator.

Beautiful crank nonsense. You’re more likely to reach heaven with it than gains. This box will deep fry you like you called Zeus a punk. But is there a buyer?
Forget this as an ad and public safety hazard, and focus on the concept. How much pain would people endure to “Strengthen and Develop the Muscles?”
Well, bored researchers poked at that question across a few studies, albeit indirectly. They were interested in whether strapping animals/people/gym lunatics to stretching machines high on the pain scale, for hours on end, would help them grow muscle. They proved we’re all fucking insane.
It also works. Painfully. Slowly. Hideously. But effectively.
Expect to see grifters hawking Pain-O-Matics by 2026. The lawsuits will be legendary. I’m trademarking Alpha Racks and retiring on an island.
Creativity: A++ | Persuasion: C | Sanity: F-
One Sentence Reviews
Every Day Magic: Are these books infinite? (1/5)
Brokers: The New York bill stealing their lunch is a miracle. (0/5)
Book Club: Places where I can work faster are rare. (4/5)
Wira: Mad Dog improves every film.(3.5/5)
Easy Question
Harder Question

Signing off
Thanks for reading Extra Evil, the newsletter locked into a stretching machine. Share it to scream.