Extra Evil - Mattel Insurance
Today's Fortune: It's not over until last week.
Newsreel
Xi threw a house party.
The internet made a wish.
I'm not a dip, not yet a recession.
OpenAI sends cops the obvious.
The Guard's tour of black neighborhoods eyed Illinois.
Spotify likes a fun prank with dead artists and AI.
You Need This
Time to get back in the swing of things.
A Photo
Taken by another Princeton escapee, Arthur P. But I'm involved:
War Journal
I finally pulled my head out of my panic-loop and read Vampirocene, by fellow comedy ronin Merritt. It's a golden horror novella (Merritt's a touch more versatile than my eternal circus). Like many of the last good things sold online, it's on itch.io. I recommend it for anyone in climate change's crosshairs. Wink/nudge/scream.
Meanwhile, on the R train platform.
Squatting: I don't get it.
Standing: You should have seen them. They looked like human Barbie dolls.
Sitting: Wow.
Standing: I want that. I'm going to get there.
Sitting: Wow.
Squatting: You look good.
Standing: I look...no. These girls had it. Seventy years old, and they look like Marilyn Monroe.
Sitting: Wow. Wow.
Standing: I want to get the operation. But I had the other thing going on.
Sitting: Oh? Wow.
Standing: My doctor said I had good cancer. Designer cancer.
Sitting: Wow.
Squatting: Oh!
Standing: They didn't know until they did the appendectomy. Snip snip! Gone.
Sitting: Wow.
Standing: Next, the Barbie operation. I'm doing it.
To aspiring Hashishin: think beyond gunpowder. Skip foul play altogether. For an aging cokehead at war with medicine, it's enough to give him your next bump. Leave the AC running two degrees too high. Jump out of a bush in blackface. Work with nature, not against it.
I may finally shave my head. Not for dignity or graceful aging. I have a men's guru parody in my back pocket, and it'd pay to evoke a certain look. Don't worry, I'm already cutting and buying blazers sized for toddlers. Does anyone know a terrible tattoo artist?
Once again, I relearn: no matter how much you like Batman, smiling in SwipeLand goes further.
A Screenshot
The Present
- My new novel is rich in protein. [How to Dodge a Cannonball]
- Where billboards come from. [Exclusive Evil]
- Can we talk? [Exclusive Evil]
- "The Show With A Heart" isn't into truth in advertising. [1900HOTDOG]
- My first collection is keto-friendly. [My Previous Book]
The Past
I had a cloning phase.
The Future
Settling an old score.
Dead Sun Theory
Pitching.
Not Brought to You By
Has subway headline spam evolved? No. Not even a little. Still, some fail less than others. The cloning device still needs work.
Meet OpenIgloo. They're quirky and local, like you. And like most unmedicated spirits, they talk just a little bit too much.
Granted, I'm a brevity addict. While my book's long as hell, a normal person would've let those events beat the phone book's word count. So take it with a grain of salt when I say these ads run a paragraph into overtime.
It might just be the reality of working with clients. Explaining everything in triplicate is often their first, second, and fortieth note they leave.
They're losing half a Creativity letter for that stock joke.
Normally, I take a minute to look into the product. But every apartment listing site is the same real estate data mining vortex, so we can fill in the details with a little imagination. This looks like another StreetEasy, and if I'm wrong, take two letters off of the persuasion grade.
Creativity: C- | Persuasion: C | Sanity: B
One Sentence Reviews
Megas XLR, Season 1: A reload on the concept of joy. (4.5/5)
External Gyms: I'm going to see a fight over a dip station before the year ends. (2.5/5)
Devin Townsend - Epiclouder: How on Earth did I miss one? (4/5)
A Question
Signing off
Thank you for reading Extra Evil, the newsletter with three separate ad riffs. Share it to teach me how to promote it.
