Exclusive Evil - Why I’m Suing This Child
Substack died. Terrible accident. Whitelist this to pay respects. My domain’s still extra-evil.com, so some readers won’t even notice. Forgive the double tap Wednesday when I announce the change. And assorted errors/leftover SubSpam during the transfer.
More important: jokes. This short confused sane outlets, so it’s an ideal start. Share it to…nevermind, just enjoy it. You need a break.
IN THE CIRCUIT COURT OF FULTON COUNTY
STATE OF GEORGIA
CASE NO: 2025-01776
Georgia State Senator Samuel Engleman
Plaintiff,
v.
Cindy Porter, Individually;
Sunny Orchard Elementary; and
The Orchard Buzz
Defendant(s).
COMPLAINT
COMES NOW, Plaintiff Samuel Engleman, a/k/a Sen. Sam Eagle, hereby sues defendants Cindy Porter, Sunny Orchard Elementary, and The Orchard Buzz for damages in excess of $600,005, and alleges as follows:
PARTIES
1. Plaintiff Samuel Engleman, (hereinafter “Sen. Eagle”) is a Fulton County public servant and thought leader. Since election to the state legislature in 2018, Sen. Eagle has defended Georgia’s European-American minority from dilution. His signature bill converted partisan community centers to inclusive parking lots. Sen. Eagle’s activism attracted the 2025 Presidential Transition team, until the defendants’ lies emerged.
2. Defendant Cindy Porter (hereinafter “Punk”) is a Fulton Country resident. Punk is a fourth grade student at Sunny Orchard Elementary, where she maintains a mediocre “B-” GPA. She authored the report “Sen. Birdbrain’s Tiny Thingie,” laden with shameless falsehoods large and small.
3. Defendant Sunny Orchard Elementary (hereinafter “Cesspit”) is a Fulton County educational facility, primarily serving future felons. Cesspit requested current events reports from an unqualified student body, including Punk.
4. Defendant The Orchard Buzz (hereinafter “Rag”) is a socialist tabloid run by Cesspit faculty. Rag published “Senator Birdbrain’s Tiny Thingie” despite direct contradiction with reality.
NATURE OF THE ACTION
1. On January 4, 2025, Punk handed “Senator Birdbrain’s Tiny Thingie” to a Cesspit educator. Two days late—ample proof of rushed, unverified work. Punk’s report claimed that “Senator Birdbrain” (a thin proxy for Sen. Eagle) suffered from a fictional form of dwarfism. No sources or photographs followed this claim, because none exist.
2. In an assignment with no visual aspect, Punk included a nude caricature with unacceptable proportions. Cesspit not only passed this pornography (B-), but reposted it on Rag alongside legitimate student journalism.
3. Sen. Eagle’s office received no outreach from Punk, Cesspit, or Rag beforehand. Defendants flouted every fact-checking standard out of sloth, partisan ire, or thirst for fame. Urban habits are no excuse for attacking a man’s livelihood or mass.
4. The piece’s main claim is provably false. Most of Sen. Eagle’s body parts are standard for a five-foot-ten male.
5. The rest are larger.
6. Sen Eagle’s normal-or-larger body parts are not a matter of public interest. As the plaintiff noted when quote-tweeting Sunny Orchard Elementary, gently but firmly requesting a correction.
7. The only motive for writing or publishing “Senator Birdbrain’s Tiny Thingie” is damaging Sen. Eagle’s projects. Including negotiations for Secretary of Interior. Rag desired to censor Sen. Eagle, a staunch advocate of replacing Cesspit with open-air cages.
8. Despite–or rather, because–of these falsehoods, the report diffused quickly online. For instance, the Instagram account BestOfDyingAmerica reposted Sen. Eagle’s correction. As of filing, the image sits at over eighteen million views, ten thousand likes, and four thousand mocking comments. Innumerable rival accounts followed suit.
9. No part of Sen. Eagle’s physique is, as Punk’s report implies, “thimble-lookin”[sic] or “nanoskopic”[sic]. Yet searching either term produces Sen. Eagle’s personal site on all major search engines.
10. Shortly after the post, communication from the transition team ceased. After inquiring about his nomination prospects, Sen. Eagle received a laughing emoticon. Further outreach spurred pictures of thimbles. A promising career has died before it began.
11. Sen. Eagle endures similar silence from Sovereign Radio, previous home of his weekly Fireside Rants. This income stream, in portfolio-diversifying rubles, kept plaintiff’s activism afloat.
12. Sen. Eagle’s ability to compensate aides remains compromised, fraying the bond between legislator and staff. A thimble has appeared on Sen. Eagle’s desk each afternoon for three months. The psychological toll is incalculable–but estimated in the low millions.
13. Defendants ignored generous requests for clarity and dialogue. Specifically, Sen. Eagle offered Rag a paper explaining his views on body shaming, public education, and demographic change. Plaintiff also offered to debate Punk live, and let the market of ideas decide. Both offers went unheard, labeled “unusual” by Cesspit faculty. A call for harassment digital Marxists answered with enthusiasm.
14. Amidst this cyberbullying, an anonymous source leaked polaroids of plaintiff in the buff. While the origins of these tasteful beachfront portraits remain unclear, Sen. Eagle’s standard proportions and enthusiasm for fitness became matters of public record. A record ignored by the defendants, tabloids, and “ComedyTok” instigators.
15. Even a speech tour by Sen. Eagle has failed to diffuse rumors. Misinformation outpaces integrity or photo evidence. Leading to a ravaged mind, shattered career, and substandard adult film parody.
PRAYER FOR RELIEF
1. Due to “Senator Birdbrain’s Tiny Thingie,” Sen. Eagle has suffered financial harm, emotional trauma, career damage, public ridicule, fiscal trauma, psychosexual difficulty, reduced income, and less money. $600,005 reflects a fraction of the pain inflicted on the plaintiff and his future family. By making Sen. Eagle whole, the court can defend American dreams, big and small.
Wasn’t that fun? I had to format it on a phone, so forgive anything that looks off. Or don’t. Hold on to that kernel of hate. Let it drive you.
