Exclusive Evil - Revenge of the Birthday

Against all betting market odds, I survived another year. To celebrate, I'm answering a selection (all of) your questions. Thanks for reading, and for keeping me out of the asylum.

FancyShark Asks: How do you usually celebrate or spend the birthday?

Dennard Answers: I usually try to take a long, meditative walk. This year I trawled to the Tower of London with a friend, despite having a knee in a rebellious phase. I'd recommend the tower, and wouldn't recommend the knee.

Clare McCloskey Asks: What do you love about writing? what do you hate?

Dennard Answers: With writing questions, I like to divide the writing process and career. People usually mean one or the other, and this approach tends to spare disappointed stares or repeated questions.

Line editing's the highlight of the process. Fixing things boosts my ego, there's less pressure because the bulk of the final product is done, and refinement time makes me more confident in the outgoing product. This may be a privilege: I'm told line editing can feel like pulling teeth by hand. But I have a good time. It helps that I do mountains of joke writing, and there's often a better punchline than my first 2 AM impulse.

The low point of the process: transcribing work on paper to the laptop/desktop/typewriter. It always feels like a bad prank on myself. Worse yet, it also tends to be good for the final piece (think line editing in hell), so I keep letting it happen. After all, Future Dennard can take it. But I'm miserable every time. Past Dennard has no sense of scale or responsibility.

On the broader career front, watching any article or book emerge is a joy. In fact, that feeling's hard to replicate elsewhere in life. And addictive. I suspect some of the best prolific types are chasing that high, and I applaud them for finding an efficient way about it.

As for career-side burdens, here's an antisocial one: I'm incompatible with writing gossip, and that's all many writers will consider talking about. There's usually envy or boredom hanging overhead, and I think it'd be healthier to chain smoke. I would much, much rather split a pack of camels in ten minutes than hear about your fifteen year feud from a workshop neither of you can remember.

Amber Marshall Asks: You keep saying you're moving. Where to? Also what's your favorite kind of cookie?

Dennard Answers: I've vaguely nodded at flying the coop for a while now, haven't I? It could easily pass as a running joke at this point. Or longstanding delusion. But, unless it's a strong delusion, it's real.

Amidst a dozen disorganized schemes, one landed. I've lucked into a UK Global Talent visa. All future mockery of Channel 4 will be within range of reprisal.

More specifically, I'm headed to Edinburgh to finish a project. It'll be my first time living outside of the first strike zone, which should have some novelty. Hopefully, I love it. If not, extra incentive to turtle up an finish the project.

As for cookies: Oreos exist to test the self-control of mortals. A test I fail often, awakening covered in black and white crumbs of sin.

Zmann Zilla Asks: What are the odds of a follow-up to Everything Abridged? Do you feel there's more to explore there?

Dennard Answers: It's a direct goal of mine. I 100% want to pursue it (down to a title I love), though it depends on how the next novel tilt lands. At the very least, there's one already one short in the chamber.

Vooster Asks: Have you ever picked an alternate first name for yourself, just for fun?

Dennard Answers: For years, whenever a fake name was convenient or hilarious (or neither, given my taste), I went with "Darius Dyson." First as a wide-eyed freshman at New York Comic-Con 2009, when a wild-eyed man expounded and demanded far too much information. Alas, perhaps Darius would be famous today if he were friendlier to the public.

Amran Asks: Why do you hate America?

Dennard Answers: The vast chasms of egotism and greed depicted in Leverage apply to many, many corners of Americana. Alongside the violent insecurity that makes your joke work. While pop depictions of borderline personality disorder aren't psychologically useful, they nail America's relationship to the world at large.

Amran Asks: What is progress?

Dennard Answers: Melting human cooperation, dignity, and freedom into gold.

Amran Asks: Why are we like this?

Dennard Answers: Willful and determined clinging to this. This is malleable. I'd even argue that different human low points have drawn from different vices. There's no need to settle for this because the world never sits still. I still think we can pry our fingers off this remedial stage, and make it to the next batch of insane problems. But it will involve effort much more dramatic (and extant) than many people expect or desire.

Vooster Asks: Any hobbies you'd like to pick up if you ever get the time?

Dennard Answers: Freerunning looks, well, freeing. Graft two hours onto the human day, and I'd love to be a Mirror's Edge wannabe. Is there slang for a weekend ninja warrior? A shinobi part-timer? That sounds like 20 chapters of romantic comedy.

Illustration would also be grand. Though I could imagine my own mediocrity chafing with my sanity until I passed the "Liefeld feet" stage. Perhaps that's the only way past the Liefeld foot stage.

FancyShark Asks: Will you hunt Eric Adams for sport since you're closer?

Dennard Answers: "Sport" pins detached nobility to my motives that I probably can't claim. But I do like the idea of haunting Eric in his dotage. And Albania's a creative vacation prospect...

Kidding or not, there's something here. I just need the right prank.

Jane Fisher Asks: What "alternative information techniques" are you prepared to employ in order to make the next year of your life conform to your candle blowing wishes?

Dennard Answers: A fine question. My impression is that a great Executive Mystic reveals their secrets at length, to as large and purchase-friendly an audience as possible. To that end, I would never conduct human sacrifice in excess. But moderate human sacrifice is the perfect technique to push my literary prowess (or sales, I guess) incantations to their full potential.

FancyShark Asks: Any new or dropped manga?

Dennard Answers: My mental health's had it too easy for too long, so I went on a Shuzo Oshimi binge. He's a consistent... I almost typed delight, but that'd be leading a few people astray. He's a consistent experience on the psychological horror front.

Next I'm going retro, and finishing the Blame! anthologies I've had buried under language textbooks for a few months. I'm right in it's target audience crosshairs, so things would have to go pretty awry for me not to love it.

FancyShark Asks: Which restaurants are you going to miss most?

Dennard Answers: When the stress reaches my temples, I visit Japan Village (in Industry City, a Brooklyn mall that doesn't call itself a mall) and get an overpriced and perfectly balanced Gyudon. Abroad, I'll need to find a new beef outlet. Maybe hunting people? Hunting people came up earlier, too. I'll start hunting people. Apologies to the UK Home Office for misleading them on that front.

Deuce McMahon Asks: What’d sincere Dennard’s review of Kumo 99 be?

Sincere Dennard Answers: Sincere Dennard wasn't familiar, and dove in to their two latest albums. They served me well during a 4 AM to 6 AM push. The DnB revival brings me back to a roommate well-versed in electronic music, in a good way. Some tracks run together a bit, but that's true of many artists I'm a one-man cult for. A fun throwback to rave drugs that shortened your life instead of ending it.

Jennifer Gundlach Asks: What's the one thing you don't have that you wish you had? It could be an actual thing, superpowers, money... whatever. You name it.

Dennard Answers: This one's a familiar theme of mine, so you might guess it in a few questions.

What trivializes most long-term projects? What gives you time to chase every dream, fleeting inspiration, and wild impulse that passes through your head? What makes you borderline unkillable, without having to hurt a fly? What turns commuting anywhere for anything a non-issue? What lets you make an autocrat's disappearance look like a wacky accident?

Super speed. I'd trade a controlling interest in my soul for super speed.

glowingfishmnh Asks: Do you have an address so I can mail you a gift?

Dennard Answers: I'll keep this one to the DMs.

Derek Asks: You have to spend a year with 1,000 clones of a fictional character of your choice, in their universe. All of you need to survive the whole year. Who are you picking?

Dennard Answers: Fun fact: I read up to "1,000 clones" and almost speed-typed Kamina. But, well, if you know him you know how that goes.

Looking at it, this question's glorious. And tougher to cheat than you'd think. For example: Garfield's not threatened by anyone, save himself. But you can't protect a thousand Garfields from churn. At least one cat's getting hit by a car, or attacked by a dog that's done taking flack.

I'll go with maximum ability, maximum danger, maximum potential for growth. Clark Kent. We're headed for Metropolis, and it's probably on fire.

Imagine a thousand Supermen contending with 1,001 Luthors (he'd never let an imbalance slide), determined to both keep me alive and teach me to be a less crabby layabout. What's not to love? Four issues, 2028, lined up with the next Gunn Superman. Consider it, DC.

Another year around the sun, without quite hitting it. We'll get there eventually. Until then, thanks for sticking around. Share this to grow the cult, if it pleases you.