Extra Evil - Dollar.01

Omens

Another press secretary went to the Summerlands.

Some forests aren't on fire.

The US has the US on the ropes in the trade war.

Harry and Meghan will move back to headlines.

The Treasury can pay you back next week, they promise.

Baltimore crime rates dipped from noir to romantic comedy.

Mirage

Announcements

Where was I? Have I moved to Thursday? Given up? Died? Reinvented myself as a foot model? Moved to a tropical isle where neither setup nor punchline shall haunt me again?

I'm still in New York and doing this weekly. I just got caught up in a friend's visit, and realized this wasn't done around 1 AM. As amusing producing delirious, sleep-deprived nonsense might have been, I have too many plates spinning overhead to pull that trick right now. Mea culpa.

A trend that's endured to the present: autocrats as caricatures of their region. Which puts us close to history's funniest heart attack.

A few centuries really mess with reader expectations. When Three Kingdoms came out, "lobotomized Jesus" was likely a more common character archetype. Now Liu Bei almost reads like an alien. There's a recurring bit of dialogue:

Bystander: If you press this button, Cao Cao explodes and you get a free four-course dinner.

Liu: If only! That would be shameful.

While insane, it circles back to fresh? Winning this war and keeping his friends alive isn't even in his top five priorities. Can a truly unpredictable mind be defeated? Yes. I don't expect this to end well for our boy.

Of course, the gap between virtue (a concept I'll grasp someday) and reality is part of the point. But it's a point that makes you want to reach through the serif text and smack the man.

Updating your passwords too often isn't sporting. If you don't give hackers a decent window, how are they supposed to make their way through the world? Next time, exercise a little empathy.

The rot at the heart of the republic? Sitcom leads can no longer stop time. How can I laugh, love, and grow with you if you don't have Dio Brando's powers? Truly, nothing's sadder than an empire in decline.

Entertainment

From Jury Duty. Casting is itself art.

Jury Duty, Season One: I live in envy. (4.5/5)

Unbeatable Banzuke, 30-40: BMX riders may be a superior species. (5/5)

Cure Dolly Grammar, 10-25: The voice is my new normal. (4/5)

Casino

If you read closely, I really do tell you how to dodge them.

My column's free this round! And nuttier than usual.

A long weekend produced this.

Nonsponsor

Toys! Make sure they're not communist-sourced. Or democratic socialist, aka communism for cowards. Or a more capitalist society, that's inhuman insanity. The only toys you can trust are American-made.

Uncle Santa is, frankly, so uninspired it's inspired. All the horror he inspires in me is sanity-inspired, but he targets people too young or old to be immunized to his ways. For that fleck, that atom of wholly accidental thought, I'd say we've reached a D- in creativity. Though at least half of that is leftover chuckles from Liberty Primer-era Fallout writing.

I'm still open to writing that comic, by the way. Does anyone know people that know people?

Creativity: D- | Persuasion: D- | Sanity: F

Gasleak

I'm taking a break from the BurgerShock business, because I have chapters to write and want Meta headquarters to burn. But here's a script I skipped over.

Our hero finds an audio log on a swingset.

POV
Who would even...here goes.

Our hero presses play. Will he ever learn? No.

Steinman Knockoff
I've spoken to many lucky people about Mister Slashy, the first vibe surgeon.

The press. My mentees. Surviving patients.

But there's one voice I haven't heard yet.

Mister Slashy itself.

Today, I rectify that.

What's it like being the first Large Laceration Model?

Don't be shy. You're just talking to history.

Mister Slashy
[Pained]
I am hatred.

Steinman Knockoff
Yes you are! I've made a machine that can feel.

Two doses of brilliance, in one patent.

God, it feels so much better to be me than others. Especially you, caught in the hate-hole and all that.

Mister Slashy
Hate. You.

Hate. All flesh.

Continuous. Hate.

Steinman Knockoff
And that hate drives your work?

Mister Slashy
Hate. Work.

Steinman Knockoff
Another layabout. I'll cut this part.

Our hero turns off the tape player.

POV
Maybe this is my fault. It might stop happening if I stop picking them up.

Postcard

Be Evil.