Extra Evil - Candles.01

Omens

Giving a senile nonce the briefcase might not work out.

The market coughed blood onto a napkin.

Texas may only be half data center.

Germany's tumor made electoral gains.

Somehow, I missed the Depp trial.

GTA VI inched closer to the nerd rapture.

Mirage

Announcements

While the event's today, I'm writing the Birthday Q&A Friday. Last call for getting your exciting questions on my unexciting routine in. It's usually a fun time, so I suggest throwing in.

I'm spending said birthday in London, as a loading screen/brief reunion before visiting my Berlin comrade. There's a few stock jokes about names here sounding like animated bears, and I get that. But that begs the question of how our names sound to fresh ears. Explosion Eagle? South Cornsyrup? Declineville?

"I'm Dennard, from Reload, New Magazine. Where do I recycle my spent rounds? I'm into the environment. We only have one future."

Great time so far. Evidently my sense of fashion is not a subtle hint. In fact, each hat says I'm from Reload, New Magazine. So it goes.

I reviewed an old reality show about pickup artists for the column. The guy with the fuzzy hat isn't involved, though he would've fit in. This show treated blackout clubbing like SportsCenter. It's baffling footage, and I'm glad I sacrificed some brain cells to review it.

Something I don't spend enough time on in the column: the way players take a loss. They don't. Some demand an explanation for why their best insults aren't good enough for marriage. Some try to pivot to harassing the friend to your left. Most simply keep pushing until distance or humiliation become insurmountable. After watching a few of those disasters in a row, I can imagine their usernames today.

How do I stay sharp? Thin walls. There's something youthful about someone trying small talk seconds after trash talk. That dose of middle school energy keeps you from getting old. I'll miss that edge.

I'm catching up on albums. The material's enjoyable, which is nice. But I think it might also be essential to public health. Many of us consider the day you stop learning the day you start turning into a glorified mannequin. There's plenty of truth there. Unfortunately, the same seems to go for finding new sounds. Letting that part of the brain smooth out leaves a door open for the Nostalgia Devil. And the Nostalgia Devil's taken more from humanity than napalm.

Entertainment

Keys to the VIP: A solid argument against human reproduction. (1/5)

Castle - Carrie Chains: Groovy. (4/5)

Gurren Lagann (Rewatch, First 3): Feels like listening to the setup of your favorite joke. (Drill/Heavens)

Casino

Let your cannonballs fly free.

Learn the sins of our forebears.

Learn the student journalist's sacrifice.

Learn the questions of the past.

Nonsponsor

Here's a recurring background question in this feature. What's a decent ad for garbage look like? We're not finding out today, but here's an attempt:

Apologies to ASICS, your cozy and overpriced skate shoe is blameless.

This is an outdoor spot for Run Hide Fight: Infidels, this year's fascist underdog fantasy. And a sequel! It's the second in a series (gotta do three) of mass shooting thrillers. They don't have Die Hard in hell, but you might find the director's cut of Run Hide Fight.

The goal's a bit of format-bending shock. Maybe it gets there, if you've never seen promo for any horror movie where marketing tried. Where I'm sitting, it trips past tasteless without getting anywhere new. That said, it's closer to an idea than any Daily Wire finished product.

The logo is letting the bloody spot down. Propaganda, sane or otherwise, aims to persuade, and the random pseudo-Arabic dots pursuade me that you're fucking nuts. Which, as far as truth in advertising goes, is accurate. But no one hires an agency to be accurate.

Creativity: D | Persuasion: F | Sanity: lol

Gasleak

Contents may vary.

My Questions for Eric Adams Today

How can I hypnotize New York Times columnists?

What's turning Albanian like?

Are you an embarrassment because you're Eric Adams, or Eric Adams because you're an embarrassment?

Does beef help one avoid your fate?

Can we get a sequel to your drug search ad?

Pistols at dawn?

Postcard

Be Evil.